


Sex Isn't Relevant Until You Put Your Hands Down My Pants

by ForelornFaeiry



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Smut, Ex-Military Dean Winchester, Fluff and Smut, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Sabriel - Freeform, Trans Male Castiel (Supernatural), mentions of physical abuse, mentions of sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-05-17 22:48:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 37,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForelornFaeiry/pseuds/ForelornFaeiry
Summary: Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak thought they had life all figured out... That is, until life actually happened.(Repost from Fanfiction.net! Written with Perdition Raiser from Fanfiction.net)





	1. Chapter 1

~~~~The quiet ticking of a clock seemed to be amplified in the stone-cold silence of the room. Castiel sat upon that old, worn but still comfortable couch, running his nails against the palm of his hands gently, his eyes staring down at the red marks that were beginning to form. His hand had been numb for at least thirty minutes now, but still, he could not stop. A quiet shuffling of papers could be heard from the arm chair across from the couch, as though someone was changing their sitting position; the someone staring at him with a kind look in her eyes, not saying anything. She hadn't said anything, not since the first time they met.

_"So, Casandra, how was your day?"_

Castiel couldn't even bring himself to say everything he wanted to, and so sat there in silence, for the entire hour-long session.

_What are you even doing here, wasting your money like this Castiel? Just fucking say something._

Castiel thought to himself, but he knew he'd never say anything. At least, not in this session. It was the third session, the third time Castiel was paying some random lady $1250 an hour, just to sit in silence, to sit and silently hate himself for being so awkward, for not being able to open about anything.

The ticking of the clock was deafening.

"Casandra, I'm afraid that your time is up."

The woman said, startling Castiel; he had almost forgotten she was there. Castiel let out a quiet sigh and stood to his feet, running his hand against his slacks to free them of the wrinkles that had accumulated. He stuck his hand out for a formal shake and smiled shyly when his therapist stood to her feet and took his hand. They gave a quick two pumps before Castiel let go, trying to inconspicuously wipe the nervous sweat from the palms of his hand.

"I'll see you again next week?"

She asks, offering Castiel a kind smile. Castiel tries to return it, but ends up giving a quick twitch of the corner of his lip. "Yes Missouri, I'll be here."

**x.x.x**

Castiel shuts the door to his bedroom, pressing his back to the wood as he tries to calm his racing heart; ever since he left his therapist's office, Castiel had been trying and failing to fight off a panic attack, only managing to keep it at bay until he was in the comforts of his own home. His chest heaved with pants, making it only tighter and harder to breathe, and Castiel ripped off his shirt as fast as he could, flinging it to the corner of the room before struggling with getting his binder over his shoulders. After a moment of intense struggle, Castiel could get the binder off and it too joined the shirt in the vast clutter that was his room; he kept meaning to clean it, but any time he tried, he ended up stopping and giving up entirely, as though there was making it physically impossible to do the simplest tasks.

Well, there was something making it difficult.

Castiel turned around to face himself in the mirror braced on the back of his door, his eyes searching the planes of his face that he supposed were supposed to look familiar; and yet, it looked as though a stranger was staring back at him. His blue eyes stared back at him, and he recognized those, but everything else seemed like it belonged to a different person.

Plump, pink lips, long, black eyelashes, thin eyebrows, a round complexion, a small, button nose… Not to mention the two plump muscles that hung from his chest, practically glowing in the light of his room. Castiel stood to his full height and searched himself, pulling off his slacks and his boxers before looking at himself in all his… glory. He pinched and prodded at the excess muscle and fat from his chest and couldn't even bring himself to look at the area between his legs. His legs, smooth and milky white, his waist, small and petite, his shoulders, rounded and slim.

It was the body of a woman.

A stranger.

Castiel fell to his knees, crying.


	2. Chapter 2

"Will you just come inside boy?"

Dean looked up from staring at his feet and walked through Missouri's back door. He'd been standing on her porch wondering if his old friend, and therapist, was awake. She always knew he was there before he knocked.

"Day off?" she asked handing him a mug of coffee as he stepped into her kitchen.

He nodded and took the coffee gratefully, "Just dropped Sammy off at work, his car has been acting up."

His brother Sam worked at a near by elementary school, teaching history. It was just barely eight in the morning. Dean noticed Missouri's attire; pajamas, and a fuzzy robe with matching slippers. Looking down into his coffee he sighed.

"Oh hush," Missouri smiled at him, "You know you're welcome at any time Dean."

He returned the smile, but only just. Dean wrapped his large hands around the coffee mug and let the warmth travel up his arms and into his chest. The little black woman sat down across from him at her small kitchen table.

"Now, how have you been sleeping?" she asked.

Dean hadn't been by to talk to her in a little over a week. He shrugged and took a swig of his coffee. He wished it was of the Irish persuasion.

"I get a couple hours most nights, I know it's shitty but the drinking helps."

Missouri shook her head, "I should whack you with a spoon."

Dean wasn't sure what to say, so he searched for something positive, "I haven't had a flashback in almost six months."

Dean's last flashback was two months after he'd gotten back from Afghanistan. It had been bad, he'd hurt people and himself, and it was just as hard to think about that than it was to think about what he'd done overseas.

"What has helped you adjust?" Missouri asked.

"Focusing on what was normal about my life before my deployment," Dean answered, "Doing things that help me stay  _here_  not over there.  _Normal_  things."

Reaching across the table Missouri took one of Dean's hands with both of her own, "Why don't we find something normal you can do that can replace the drinking that will also help you sleep?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah I can—I can do that."

"Of course you can," Missouri said standing, taking Dean's coffee mug and bringing it to the sink, "Dean you've been  _home_  for over a year now.  _You're home_ , start acting like it and maybe sleep will come. I know it's hard but try not to dwell on your past, you've got to forgive yourself."

Dean sighed and rubbed his temples, "You tell me that every time I see you."

"Have you started to yet?"

"I don't know."

-x-

Dean had been at work for a little over an hour when Gabriel rolled in late. Dean normally would have razzed him about it but the short stack had come baring coffee and pie.

"You're lucky you have pie," he grumbled taking the pastry and paper cup.

"You mean the fact that I'm not only dating your brother but also your best friend has nothing to do with you not being mad at me for being late… _again_?"

Dean shook his head, taking a bite of his cherry pie, "No, this is the only reason."

Scarfing down the rest of it Dean rose an eyebrow, "So why have you been late like every day this week?"

Leaning against the car Dean was working on Gabriel shrugged, "My little brother moved in with me."

"Little brother?" Dean asked, "I thought you had two  _older_  brothers and a little  _sister_?"

Gabe shook his head, "I'm just helping him settle in and get used to his new job."

Silence followed for a few moments before Dean scowled at his friend, "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're waiting for me to break into a bunch of little pieces."

Gabe rolled his eyes, "I'm not looking at you like that Deano. I know you're a big boy but I'm just…I'm here for you, okay?"

Dean couldn't find it in himself to care about how corny Gabe sounded so he just gave him a rough punch to the arm.

-x-

That night after Sam had gone to bed he found himself sitting in their dimly lit kitchen staring into a glass of cheap whiskey. After almost two years he still found it hard to sleep through the night without seeing his dead friends behind his eyelids.

He was grateful that the flashbacks had stopped and that the feelings of being on edge and alert had subsided but no matter what he did the remorse he felt kept him awake most nights.

Survivor's guilt was a bitch.

Getting up without taking a sip from his glass he walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. He'd stopped shaving when he got back because a clean face reminded him too much of his deployment. Dean had been one of the only guys in his troop that kept up with facial hygiene.

Now however his beard was getting a little out of control and his hair had started falling into his eyes. Examining his bare torso Dean frowned a little. His appetite had diminished a great deal since his return and therefore so had his muscle mass. He was a lot leaner than he had been and he poked at the pudgy part of his stomach indignantly.

Frowning at himself for a little longer Dean then rummaged around under the sink until he found his shaving kit. Slowly he cut his own hair, leaving the top a little longer and shaving the sides much shorter. Moving to his beard he trimmed it closer to his face and gave it shape but kept it thick.

When he finished he looked into the mirror again and kind of liked what he saw; the Dean he was now with a glimpse of the old Dean somewhere underneath. He glanced at his watch as he left the bathroom; 11:45 p.m.

Taking a deep breath Dean quietly crept through the hallway and into his bedroom. After a few moments of searching Dean found an old pair of running shorts and sneakers. Strapping his ipod to his arm he put on some Led Zeppelin, stuck his headphones in his ears, and jogged down the street.

Before he knew it, he was jogging the route that he and Sammy used to run in high school. Fifteen minutes in Dean didn't feel tired so he picked up the pace. He pushed himself into almost a sprint. He forced his legs forward when he felt his muscles fatigue, and he found himself enjoying the burn in his lungs.

Almost an hour later he slowed to a stop in his front yard and clasped his fingers over his head to open his lungs and assist his ragged breathing. Only when the sweat that was dripping off him dried did he realize he was crying. He wondered how long he had been doing that. Instead of wiping his cheeks he sat down on the front steps and let the tears fall.

He hadn't let himself feel so raw in a long time.

After a quick shower Dean climbed into bed and glanced at his alarm clock; it was almost 2 a.m. and before he could think about much else he fell asleep.

-x-

Dean's alarm didn't go off the next morning because it was a Sunday. Normally his internal clock woke him up by at least nine but today was different. Today when Dean woke up it was  _11:30 a.m._ and he felt  _well rested._  Sammy was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and bed head. Usually it was Dean who was already awake with an Irish coffee in his hands.

Sam looked up from his crossword puzzle as Dean poured himself a cup of joe.

"You're up late, how'd you sleep?"

Dean couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips, "Really good, actually."

"Seriously?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Dean nodded sitting down across from his little brother, "I went to bed around two and slept straight through the night."

The smile that Sam gave him lit up the whole room.

"That's great, Dean."

Dean saw Sam's eyes flit towards the living room and back to him, "Did you go for a run last night?"

Dean nodded nonchalantly, he was guessing Sam saw his running shoes by the door. Before he could respond Sam squinted at him, "Did you get a haircut?"

Dean chuckled, "Yes to both. Last night I gave myself a trim and ran the route we used to run before I left."

Sam's eyebrows shot towards his hairline, "You just decided to run  _six miles_  out of the blue at midnight?"

Dean shrugged, "I was so tired when I got back that I could barely shower before I fell asleep, and I didn't take one sip of whiskey. It was pretty therapeutic actually."

Sam smiled softer this time," I'm proud of you."

"Thanks Sammy."

-x-

Dean had been at Missouri's for about an hour. After he'd eaten breakfast he'd felt compelled to tell her about his good night's sleep. As soon as she saw his face she knew something had changed for the better and pulled him into a hug.

When Dean had been sent home from his second tour the military had sent him to one of their own therapists but Dean had barely made through the first session. The man had been cold and Dean had been extremely vulnerable. Missouri had found him sitting alone at the park one day and just sat with him in silence. It helped that Dean had known her all of his life, her familiarity was a comfort.

Now, almost two years later, Dean would visit her at least twice a week. Currently they were sitting in her living room with a pitcher of iced tea. Just as they were discussing Dean dumping out all of the alcohol in his house someone knocking frantically on the front door interrupted them.

Dean stood before Missouri could, "I'll get it."

He opened the door to find a woman around Sam's age looking distraught on the other side. She was a little androgynous looking but beautiful just the same. Her hair was in a disarray; an inky black pixie cut that looked like it had been trimmed by a five-year-old. She was petite of someone of almost 5'4'' and her big, blue eyes are what had captured Dean's attention.

That's when he realized he had been staring at her. He blinked and cleared his throat, "Uh, can I help you?"

The woman furrowed her eyebrows almost violently, "Is this not Missouri Mosely's residence?"

Dean nodded, "Uh yeah it is—" before he could finish his sentence she had pushed her was inside. Dean followed quickly behind to find Missouri hugging the woman tightly. He made eye contact with Missouri before leaving; he had to meet Sam at the Roadhouse for lunch anyways.

As he drove he hoped she would be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel woke up with a pounding head ache and sunlight glaring against his tired eyes. His face felt tight from his tears and as Castiel sat up, he realized that he had fallen asleep half naked, with only a pair of boxers on. He let out a small yawn before standing to his feet, scratching his chin (and feeling a slight twinge of sadness that there was no facial hair there) before pulling on some pajamas. He was happy that it was Saturday and that he didn't have to go to work today, so he didn't bother to put his binder on as he walked out of his room in his pajamas.

He came into the living room area where his brother Gabriel and his boyfriend (Castiel's close friend and coworker) were sitting on the couch, Gabriel's legs thrown in Sam's lap and Sam rubbing his leg gently as he laughed at a joke his lover just said. It was early in the morning, around 8:30, and Castiel was smiling at the affection that could clearly be seen between the two men; they had been dating for two years now and Castiel had never seen two people more in love.

Just as Castiel was about to pour himself a cup of coffee, Sam looked up and spotted him in the kitchen. "Hey Castiel, good morning." Castiel smiled fondly at his friend as he poured himself his cup and tilted his head in greeting. "Morning Sam, Gabriel." Gabriel slung his arm around the back of the couch and rested his chin against the sofa, making his puppy eyes at his little brother. "Cassie, will you  _pretty please_  make us some of your best chocolate chip pancakes?" Castiel narrowed his eyes as he pulled his cup away from his mouth. "Gabriel, you promised you wouldn't call me that anymore." Gabriel closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose before face palming, tempting Castiel to smile; his older brother always had that effect on him.

"You're right Cas, I'm really sorry. Would you still make your chocolate chip pancakes?"

Castiel rolls his eyes but smiles, feeling his heart warm in a way that only Gabriel has ever been able to. "Sure Gabe, I'll make you pancakes; BUT, I don't want you and Sam to be making out on our couch okay? I have to sit there too you know." Castiel said, efficiently cutting off Gabriel's whoop of excitement at Castiel's "famous" pancakes; he wasn't even sure  _why_  Gabriel loved his pancakes so much, they were just the regular boxed mix that he'd take some chocolate chips and add to the mix. But for whatever reason, every time Gabriel had seen Castiel before they moved in together, he would always beg and demand Castiel's pancakes.

So Castiel began on his pancakes, taking his phone out to play a little bit of cooking music, humming under his breath and ignoring the two love birds in the living room. He could hear small bursts of giggles come from the two grown men and each one made him smile, wishing that maybe one day, he could have a love like that. A love where after two years, the honeymoon phase was still in place, despite having a couple heated arguments. A love where they could do nothing but stare at each other, all day, and not feel bored or discontented at all.

A love where both parties were accepted.

"Castiel?"

Castiel jumped at his name and looked up to see Sam leaning against the door frame of the kitchen, giving Castiel a concerned smile. "Did you hear me?" "No, I'm sorry Sam, I'm out of it today. What did you say?" "I was just asking how your therapy is going." Castiel gave Sam a tight smile, one he hoped (but knew failed) would reassure Sam.

"Okay, I suppose. Third session and I still haven't said anything. I try to say something, but then my throat closes up and I end up chocking on what I want to say." Gabriel came up behind Sam and wrapped his arms around his lover's waist, poking his head from around Sam's back since Sam was too tall for Gabriel to rest his chin on his shoulder. "It's okay Castiel, I'm sure you'll find your groove soon. Do you want me to go with you sometime so you don't feel so nervous?"

Castiel smiled gratefully at his older brother, feeling warmth in his chest. "Gabriel, I absolutely adore the fact that you would be willing to do that for me, but there I will have to decline. There are some things that I don't wish for you to know. At least, not yet." Gabriel nodded in understanding and a light silence fell over the room with the only noise being the quiet sizzle from the pancakes and the low hum of music.

"Pancakes are ready Gabe."

Castiel says finally, lifting the final pancake from its pan and onto the plate with the others. Gabriel immediately let go of Sam and went into the cabinet to grab three plates for the rest of them. "Oh man, Sammy it's a shame your brother doesn't get such amazing pancakes like I do. I guess this means that I have the best brother!" Castiel grinned at Gabriel's comment, momentarily ignoring the playful argument happening between Sam and Gabriel on who had the best brother, because Castiel knew one thing above all else:

It was he who had the best brother of all.

**x.x.x**

Castiel had been sitting on the couch, watching some movie he had long ago lost interest in when Gabriel opened the front door, setting his keys on the key rack by the door. He walked over the left side of the couch before sitting down next to Castiel, pulling his legs up to his chest.

"You get Sam home alright?"

"Yeah, his car isn't working right now. His brother was still sleeping too, so I couldn't stay for very long."

Castiel felt like laughing, but his lip only twitched in amusement: he knew exactly why Gabriel couldn't stay long; he and Sam were very… loud.

"So how have you been little brother? I feel like it's been a bit since we last talked and hung out."

"Okay, I suppose. My first day is on Monday, therapy is somewhat okay, and I've only had two break downs this week. That's something I suppose."

"Feeling nervous about starting a new job?"

"Not really, they're just a bunch of third graders. How hard can they be? Plus, it helps that Sam will be working with me too."

Gabriel smiled at the mention of his boyfriend. "Yeah, I think this will be good for you. A change of pace is what you need. And it will come with your therapist. At least she's a lot closer now, so you don't have to drive so far out." Castiel laughed, throwing his head back gently. "True, that thirty-minute drive was a bitch to just sit there in silence. Ten minutes is much easier for the same price." Gabriel joined Castiel in his laughter, the two brothers having a small moment. After the laughter ceased, Castiel shifted in his position to lay his head on his brother's shoulder, making Gabriel bring his arm around to rest on Castiel's shoulder, rubbing comforting, small circles.

"Thank you for letting me stay with you for a bit Gabe."

"Anything for the best little brother in the world."

**x.x.x**

Castiel lay awake in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was Sunday, the day he was supposed to go see Missouri. Part of Castiel wondered what he was still doing there; she wasn't the first therapist he'd gone to see, but there was something about her that made Castiel stay. Maybe it was perhaps she was so kind and patient with him, not looking at the clock every few seconds or sighing loudly whenever Castiel couldn't bring himself to say anything. He had only started seeing her because Sam recommended her, said that she was his brother's therapist and his brother was doing well in her care. It was only because Castiel was so close to Sam in college and when he started to date Gabriel that made Castiel feel obligated to go.

She was the longest one he'd stay with.

There was a quiet knock on his door before Gabriel stuck his head inside, smiling softly at Castiel. "Hey little brother, you're gonna be late if you stay in bed any longer." Castiel couldn't say anything; he curled into a ball and turned away from Gabriel. He could hear the light footsteps of Gabriel coming into the room before he felt the bed dip and felt Gabriel's arms wrap around his shoulders, his chest pressing into Castiel's back; and just like that, Castiel was crying, his shoulders shaking gently and his breath coming in broken sobs. Gabriel just shushed him quietly and held him tightly, rubbing his hands up and down Castiel's arms. Gabriel began whispering quietly, telling Castiel that he was valued and loved and that everything was going to be okay. Every so often Gabriel would press a small kiss to Castiel's back and his arms tightened with every sob Castiel let out.

When Castiel could catch his breath again he rolled over and tucked his head under Gabriel's chin, burying his face into Gabriel's chest. Gabriel just shushed him gently and began running his fingers through Castiel's hair, just waiting for Castiel to calm down. It took about twenty minutes, but finally, the tears began to cease and Castiel just felt more tired than when he woke up.

"Cas, are you  _sure_  you don't want me to come with you today?"

Gabriel asked again, keeping Castiel close to him. Castiel sniffed quietly and nodded. "I'm sure Gabe, I just needed that moment." Gabriel nodded his understanding and held Castiel for a moment longer before kissing the top of his head and letting go. "Okay, but you need to get dressed now, otherwise you'll be late." Castiel hummed to let Gabriel know that he heard him and with that, Gabriel left the room, shutting the door behind him. Castiel sat up in bed and wiped his eyes free of tears before getting up and getting dressed.

**x.x.x**

Castiel got out of his car and shut the door firmly behind him, checking his watch for the time; he was officially ten minutes late to his appointment and he felt disgruntled; Castiel hated being late. Castiel ran up to the dark wooden door and knocked on it frantically, hoping that Missouri would open soon and she wouldn't be too angry with him for being late. The door opened and Castiel could feel his eyes widen in surprise at who answered.

A tall man, maybe only an inch or so shorter than Sam, sun kissed skin, muscles that rippled with every movement under his shirt, light brown hair that was short on the sides and longer up top, freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks, and emerald green eyes that seemed as though he had lived through hell and was trying to survive. Castiel had to swallow when he saw the utterly beautiful man standing before him.

_Oh my god I am so fucking gay right now._

"Uh, can I help you?"

Castiel snapped out of his trance and furrowed his eyebrows in frustration, mostly in himself for being so enthralled by this man standing in front of him.

"Is this not Missouri Mosely's residence?"

"Uh, yeah, it is- "

Castiel couldn't let the man finish his sentence, feeling that familiar feeling of panic rise in his chest when he realized he was in the right spot after all. Castiel pushed his way inside and spotted Missouri sitting at her kitchen table; she rose to her feet and greeted Castiel with a warm smile, opening her arms for a hug. Castiel walked into them and allowed Missouri to hug him tightly, hearing the distant sound of a door being shut. Castiel pulled away from the embrace and saw that the beautiful man was no longer in the room with them; Castiel just shrugged and gave Missouri a concerned look.

"I'm so sorry I'm late Missouri."

"It's fine, don't you worry your pretty little head about it darling."

Castiel felt a familiar twinge of annoyance at being called pretty, but allowed Missouri to take his arm and lead him into her office anyways. They came into the familiar room and Castiel took his place on the couch, Missouri on the arm chair.

"So, Casandra, tell me about why you were late."

Castiel opened his mouth to reply but stopped, feeling the words quickly dying on his tongue. His chest squeezed at the use of his birth name and Castiel soon closed his mouth, somehow knowing that today was going to be another silent session.

And an hour later, when Missouri told him that their time was up, Castiel knew that he was right.


	4. Chapter 4

Pulling into the Roadhouse Dean put the impala into park and heaved a comfortable sigh. There weren't a lot of places that felt like home anymore but this was one of them. He walked inside, ignoring the sign that read  _Closed_ as it blinked obnoxiously at him.

Sam and Gabriel were sitting at the bar waiting for him and Jo was chattering at them from across the room as she wiped down some tables.

"You're like 15 minutes late Deano, where yah been?" Gabe asked.

Shrugging Dean took a seat next to his brother, putting Sam in the middle, "Was at Missouri's."

Ellen offered him a drink but he shook his head, "I'll have some iced tea."

Everyone raised their eyebrows at him and he scowled a little, "What?" Gave and Sam only shrugged while Ellen handed him his iced tea with a small smile.

"Well?" Dean asked, "Enough about me, what were y'all talking about?"

Sam smiled, "Gabe's little brother, the one that went to school with me, he started as the first-grade teacher where I work last week."

Dean frowned for a second. He could have sworn Sam had gone to school with Gabe's sister but maybe he was wrong.

"Sam and I are trying to help him find an apartment," Gabe added.

Jo came over and the four of them talked for a while. Dean knew it would be a matter of time before the conversation came back to him and his iced tea. He proceeded to tell her and Gabe about his run the night before and his new efforts to start drinking less.  _Way less_.

"You ran six miles out of nowhere?" Jo asked surprised.

Dean shrugged again, he felt like he was doing that a lot lately.

"It helped, I think I'm gonna start lifting again. The garage is still set up from when we were in high school."

John Winchester, Sam and Dean's father, had collected old but functioning weight lifting equipment and set it all up for the boys when they were younger. It would be a lot easier for him to lift on his own then be surrounded by strangers in a crowded gym.

"Let me know when you get to where you're gonna need a spotter," Sam said clapping his brother on the shoulder, "God knows Gabe won't be much help."

Jo snorted and the Winchester boys grinned at each other. Gave scowled for a minute but then he smirked,

"You're not wrong, but who needs to be strong when they've got a tall drink of moose muscle to latch onto?"

He then proceeded to waggle his eyebrows suggestively at his boyfriend. Dean pretended to vomit all over them.

Ellen came out with their sandwiches and before they knew it she was kicking them out because she was opening soon and needed to prepare for the evening rush. Dean always felt special when she fed them before she opened, but hey, that's what mother figures are for.

After dropping Gabriel off Sam and Dean arrived back home around 4:00 pm. Dean always felt restless on his days off because he never knew what to do with himself. Sam plopped down on the couch and put on the discovery channel but Dean could only watch that stuff for so long.

Grabbing a bottle of water and putting his boots back on, Dean headed into the garage. The first thing he did was turn on the old radio that had been sitting in the corner collecting dust for the last decade. Satisfied with the Bad Company song that rattled out of it he turned toward the space next to the impala and got to work.

Slowly he moved miscellaneous things around to create space, he stacked boxes of old things in one corner, got rid of things they didn't need anymore, and moved the lawn mower and leaf blower over near the rakes. Doing this gave Dean the space to set up the old weight lifting equipment.

Over the years John had collected everything they needed; a squat wrack, bench press bench, Olympic bar, curling bar, LAT machine, a set of plates, and a set of dumbbells. They even had a punching bag hanging from the ceiling.

By the time Dean had finished Sam had made some spaghetti for dinner and soon enough his little brother was going to bed and he was tying his running shoes to his feet.

-x-

Another night of uninterrupted sleep made it easier for Dean to get up an hour earlier than he normally did to lift weights before work. He took a quick look in the mirror before he made his way to the garage.

He wasn't a small guy by any means. He'd always felt lucky with his naturally broad shoulders and thicker arms and legs. Sam had always had to work harder to maintain a football build in high school because he was so lanky but Dean had never worried about that much. Now was a little different though. Dean hadn't lifted weights since boot camp and he knew he was going to struggle for the first couple of weeks.

Dean decided to start of the week with back day. He'd forgotten the feel of working out, the burn radiating through your muscles as the lactic acid built up inside them. It was a good feeling, one that combatted the burn in his lungs as he ran, it was something that he could anchor himself to.

Unfortunately, he didn't realize how long his work out was going to take and had to rush to work without showering. He had changed clothes and reapplied deodorant, twice, but he was still coated in sweat and was pretty sure he stunk.

Thank god, he was a mechanic. He was confident that Bobby couldn't care less about how he smelled as long as he did his job. Surprisingly Gabe made it to work before him. Parking the impala Dean clocked in and went to see Gabe at the front desk. Gabriel Novak was the auto shop's desk jockey but he helped keep the place afloat. Bobby was terrible with technology and Gabe had taken care of their entire switch over to computers from paper. "Wow Gabe, you're actually on time."

Gabe clucked his tongue at him, "Actually Deano, you're late."

Dean frowned and looked at his watch and then scowled at Gabe, "It's only five minutes past eight."

"Five minutes late is still late."

Benny and Garth, the other two mechanics at the shop, had stopped setting up so that they could eavesdrop on his and Gabe's conversation. Dean rolled his eyes, "I lost track of time, I worked out this morning."

Gabe looked him up and down, "I'm guessing you didn't have time to shower."

He rolled his eyes,  _again_ , "No Gabe, I didn't shower."

"IS THAT WHAT I'M SMELLING?" they heard Bobby shout from his office.

Gabriel immediately started cackling while Benny and Garth snickered to themselves in the background. Dean felt his face get hot, "OH BECAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE FLOWERS DON'T CHYAH BOBBY?" he shouted back.

The grumbling that they heard in reply made them all laugh.

The end of the day came quickly and soon enough Gabriel was sticking his head underneath the car Dean was working on and getting right in his face.

When something blocked the light from Dean's eyeline and he could no longer see what he was doing he squinted up to see his coworker grinning down at him.

"Can I help you?"

"Can I come back to your place with you?"

Dean rolled out from underneath the car causing Gabe to stand upright and back up.

"Yeah sure."

Dean and Gabe hung out a lot after work. Normally they would just drink beer on the back porch, sometimes with Sam, sometimes without. Dean liked Gabe's company most of the time, despite how ridiculous the guy could be. Gabriel's romantic relationship with Sam only made him and the older Winchester grow closer, (although Dean did hate when Gabe was too explicit about his sex life because it was also Sam's).

Pulling into his driveway Dean cut the engine, effectively silencing the Rolling Stones that had been blaring from the speakers, and hopped out of the impala. He was almost inside when he realized Gabe hadn't followed him. Looking around he spotted the little guy staring at his neighbor's house.

"Gabe, what the hell are you looking at?"

Gabriel was squinting at a sign that was staked on his neighbor's front lawn, he didn't even turn when he answered Dean, "You didn't tell me this place was for rent."

Dean walked over to stand by Gabe and shrugged, this was the first time he had seen the sign, "I didn't realize."

His neighbor's name was Ash, he didn't know what his last name was, but he was a pretty weird dude. Rocking a mullet and never wearing a t-shirt under his leather vest the guy rented out the second two floors to the three decker that he owned and lived on the first floor.

Despite how odd the guy was Dean had never had any problems with him or anyone that he rented to.

"Cassie's—Cas," Gabe corrected himself, " _Cas_  is looking for an apartment. I'll have to tell him about this. You know if it's nice inside?"

Ignoring Gabe's weird stuttering Dean shrugged again, "I think so? I haven't been inside in a long time. Last time was a one-night stand with some college girl three days before I left for boot camp."

"Classy Deano."

Dean punched him in the arm and then dragged him back to the front steps by his shirt sleeve. By the time Sam had gotten home Dean was into his third lemonade, Gabriel was on his third beer, and had already texted his brother about the apartment next to Dean's place.

-x-

A week and a half later while Dean was lifting weights with the garage door open at around 6:30 in the morning someone beeped loudly as they pulled in front of his house. Looking up, after almost dropping the dumbbell he was holding on his feet, he frowned at who he saw behind the wheel of a familiar pink pickup truck; Gabriel.

Dean strolled to the front of the garage but didn't walk any closer to Gabe who was idling in the street. Wiping the sweat from his hands on his gym shorts he then put them on his hips and glared at his co-worker.

"What are you doing here? I've told you plenty of times Gabe, I will  _not_  ride to work with you in that thing."

Gabe snickered and when he leaned back Dean caught a glimpse of someone in the passenger seat. He thought it could be Gabe's brother but he couldn't really tell.

"Yah know Deano, I'm liking this whole sweaty shirtless thing, looking goooooood."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Stop flirting with me, I know Sam told you it makes me uncomfortable."

"Calm down, sheesh." Gabe grinned, "Cas and I are checking out the apartment for rent next door to you. It's right in Cas' price range." Gabe leaned back purposefully this time and pointed at the person sitting beside him.

All Dean could see from where he was standing was some messy black hair, kind of like the girl he saw at Missouri's.

"Alright well good luck, I'm gonna go shower. See you at work."

-X-

Work was a little more stressful than usual. A car that someone brought in had started backfiring every time you turned on the engine and it was making him extremely anxious. Every time there was a loud bang all he heard was a gun shot or a bomb in the distance. Bobby sent him out on a long coffee run because he'd started shaking and his eyes were glazing over like they did before he had a flashback.

"Go on boy," Bobby said resting a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Benny can take care of this one, it won't take long."

His hands hadn't stopped shaking until he was sitting in a booth in the nearest cafe drinking some tea. Once he had calmed down he was just frustrated. He'd been doing so well with working out and focusing on what he was feeling physically instead of what was inside of him mentally. Dean hadn't been around triggering noises since the Fourth of July after he'd returned, he'd almost forgotten what they sounded like…what they did to him.

By the time he got back he was physically fine but the rest of the day was so mentally exhausting that he barely got any work done. He could tell Bobby was holding his tongue instead of telling him to go home.

When the end of the day did finally come he was ready to drive home and jack off in the shower before taking a nap because he'd gotten rid of all the whiskey in the house and that was the next best thing.

Before he could even get into the impala his cell phone rang. Moving out of the shop to let Gabriel lock up he answered the call and mouthed 'Sam' to his friend.

_"_ _Hey Dean, you busy?"_

"No, not really. What's up?"

_"_ _Cas decided to take the apartment next door to you. He hasn't got that much stuff so we'd figured we'd help him move in today. Would you mind helping out?"_

"Oh uh," Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to sigh as quietly as he could, he didn't want to worry Sam, "Yeah Sammy, sure."

_"_ _Cool, thanks Dean. See you in like an hour."_

He hung up and looked at Gabe. Dean could tell he knew what his and Sam's conversation had been about.

"Deano, you don't have to help if you don—," Dean interrupted him, "Gabe, I don't mind, really. Please just…just don't tell Sam about today okay? I don't need him worrying about me."

Gabriel looked like he wanted to say no but he didn't, "Yeah okay."

"Alright," Dean said giving him a small smile, "See you soon."

Dean sighed nice and loud when he walked through his front door. The shower was out because he was forty-five minutes away from moving furniture around and at this point he was just too mentally tired to jack off.

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and changed out of his auto shop overalls and into some day-old jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing the portable radio from the kitchen he brought it out onto the front porch and plopped down into his mom's rocking chair and parked his boot clad feet on the railing.

When Sam and Gabriel pulled up next door Dean had finished his beer and was leaning backwards with his hands behind his head, eyes closed, singing softly to the Led Zeppelin song that was playing.

The loud whistle that Sam let out startled him and he fell off the rocking chair. Ignoring his brother's chuckle and Gabriel's obnoxious cackle he brushed himself off and sauntered over to them.

Gabe walked over to his truck where someone else was standing while Dean clapped his brother on the shoulder.

"Heya Sammy."

"Hey Dean, thanks for helping out."

Dean shrugged and peeked over Sam's shoulder to see Gabriel standing with two other people. One of them was the land lord and first floor resident Ash. He was wearing his classic leather vest, and his pasty bare chest was shining through the unzipped front of it.

The other person however was most definitely the girl Dean had had a brief encounter with at Missouri's. He was sure of it. Messy hair and all.

Furrowing his brows and scratching his beard he looked to Sam, "Dude, I thought we were moving Gabe's brother in."

Sam looked confused, "We are…"

"Then why is Gabe's sister here? Pretty sure she's the really nervous girl I met at Missouri's not that long ago."

"Oh uh, she's not." Sam said. Dean now looked confused. Why was Sam being weird?"

"Dude she's right there."

Sam turned and they both looked across the driveway to see Gabe and the messy haired girl wave at them. Ash threw up a rock sign.

"Ayee!" Ash jogged over to them, "Dean man! How're things?"

"Confusing." Dean said without thinking. He was confused.


	5. Chapter 5

"…and that, kids, is why Charlotte from Charlotte's web is like Captain America."

Castiel finished, closing the book and setting it beside him on the table he was half sitting on. His class of twenty-five students all stared back at him, their mouths hanging open in amazement after listening to a half hour compare and contrast lecture complete with Venn diagrams, examples, and even a little acting to prove his point. The whole class had been enthralled by the lesson, asking questions, finding things to disprove Castiel's statement, and even finding facts that Castiel hadn't found. (or at least  _claimed_  he hadn't found) Castiel found that by comparing a character in a story to a major figurehead in a child's life was the easiest way for kids to connect with the story and understand the character in ways that they might not have been able to before.

The bell soon rung, much to the disappointment of his students, but Castiel stood from his table and smiled. "Alright class, school is over but I want you to write me a paragraph explaining if you agree or disagree with my comparison and I want you to explain why!" Castiel said loudly to be heard over the students rushing to their cubby holes to get their bookbags and go home. Castiel went behind his desk and started straightening the papers that had gotten messed up from Castiel's enthusiastic teaching moment. The room was clear of all gremlins in about twenty minutes, and Castiel didn't even look up until he heard a soft throat clear coming from the entrance of his room.

It was Sam, standing with his arms crossed as he leaned against the frame of the doorway, giving Castiel one of his signature Smiles. "I heard you taught Charlotte's Web again." He remarked, coming into the class room at Castiel's inviting head nod. Castiel grinned at his best friend as he grabbed his coat, throwing it over one arm as he tossed his keys around his pointer finger.

"The kids love it Sam. It's a simple way for them to understand the character without it being too difficult for their tiny brains to comprehend."

Castiel explained, leading the other man out of his classroom. Sam followed and waited as Castiel locked the door before throwing his arm around his best friend's shoulder. "You're right Cas, it's just that the kids will always love your class and that means I have to work extra hard to keep up." Castiel laughed, shrugging out of Sam's arm. "It's not my fault that I understand children better than you." He laughed, arriving at his car. Sam smiled and shook his head before shoving his hands in his pockets.

"True. Hey, how about we get dinner tonight?"

"I'd love to Sam, but Gabriel is taking me to go see that triple decker that's for rent, the one by your house."

Sam pouted, his pout almost causing Castiel to take back his words; but, he held strong because he had this appointment for about a week now and Gabriel was starting to get a little antsy with Castiel still living with him.

"My best friend AND my boyfriend being taken on the same night. How is that fair?"

Castiel laughed as he opened the door to his car. "It's not; but I'll make it up to you this weekend. How does that sound?" Sam thought for a moment before nodding, a smile replacing his pout.

"Deal. I'll come up with the plan."

Castiel rolled his eyes but agreed nevertheless, climbing into his car.

"Text me the details Sam and I'll be there."

Sam grinned wickedly as Castiel started his car up.

"Oh, I will, believe me."

**x.x.x**

Castiel let out a small yawn, a hand reaching up to cover his mouth. "Gabriel, remind me again why we had to come at 6:30 in the morning? Why couldn't we have come later tonight? Why didn't we go yesterday?" Gabriel let out a small sigh as he pulled into a drive way, ignoring Castiel and his stream of questions. Castiel let out a little huff when he realized that his older brother wasn't going to answer him, and he was such a jerk for-

_Oh my god._

Castiel thought, breaking through the rant that was going on in his mind. He barely registered Gabriel getting out of the car, because  _there was that beautiful guy from the other day._  He was shirtless, covered in sweat, and in a pair of shorts that Castiel wished could be shorter.

_I never thought I'd ever say this, but thank god I don't have a dick._

"What are you doing here? I already told you, I will  _not_  ride to work with you in that _thing_."

The beautiful man opened his mouth and those words fell out of it; Castiel was on the verge of swooning. He knew that the man was in no way talking to him, but as he and Gabriel conversed, Castiel spent that time wondering what he could be saying if he was speaking to him.

_"Castiel, you're so manly…"_

_"Castiel, I love you…"_

_"Oh god, right there Castiel!..."_

Castiel was startled out of his thoughts when Gabriel knocked loudly on his window, making Castiel jump.

"You gonna get out or what?"

Gabriel asked, grinning. Castiel let out a small groan and got out of the car, glancing back to the garage. The gorgeous man was gone, and Castiel felt a little disappointed. "Hey Gabe, who was that guy?" Castiel asked as Gabriel lead them to the house next to the one they were parked at.

"Oh, that's Sam's brother, and hopefully your next-door neighbor."

" _That's_  Sam's brother? The way Sam always described him I thought he would have been a geek and way less attractive."

Gabriel laughed, raising a hand to knock on the door. "Yeah, that's Sammy for you." Gabriel said fondly, his eyes shining with the love and respect he held for his lover. Castiel rolled his eyes, but smiled, feeling grateful that at least  _someone_  in this world was happy.

**x.x.x**

A week later, Castiel was fixing a pile of papers from his students (the assignment: Draw a picture that represents how Wilbur was like Nicki Minaj) when his phone rang, the number unknown. Castiel answered anyways, hoping it would be from the apartment that he put an application in.

"Is this Castiel Novak?"

A country accent drawled, reminding Castiel of the man who had showed him the floor of the apartment last week. "Yes, this is he." Castiel answered, feeling excitement grow in his chest. Gabriel came into the room at that moment and paused when he saw the look of excitement growing on his brother's features.

"Landlord!"

Castiel mouthed, putting the phone back to his ear as Gabriel came up closer to try and hear what he was saying.

"Well, I'm happy to tell you that I looked over your application and was incredibly pleased with what I saw. So, I'm happy to say that I would like you to move in soon. Can you be in by Saturday?"

"Yes, Saturday is perfect. Thank you so much!"

"I look forward to seeing you."

Castiel hung up the phone and turned to his brother, who was staring at him anxiously.

"I got the apartment!"

Castiel yelled, making Gabriel burst out in a grin. "You got the apartment!?" "I got the apartment!" Gabriel rushed forward and grabbed his little brother, lifting him up in a big hug. Castiel was too happy to care about the fact that his brother could lift him up, and instead just laughed loudly, hugging his brother tightly. After a moment or two, Gabriel put Castiel down, his smile slipping away into a frown of concern.

"Cas? What's wrong?"

He asked gently, wiping tears away from Castiel's cheeks. "You've just helped me so much over the last two years Gabe, and I feel so indebted to you and I'm really gonna miss you." Castiel sobbed, allowing his brother to pull him in close. Castiel curled his body so he was smaller than Gabriel, allowing Gabriel to rest his chin on Castiel's head as he cried.

"Shh, shh, it's okay Cas; I'm right here. I will always be right here. I'll protect you from anything and anyone, you know that."

Gabriel lead the both of them over to the couch and sat down, letting Castiel completely curl up on him like he used to do when they were kids; for a while they stayed like that, Castiel with his head under Gabriel's chin, crying softly as Gabriel ran one hand up and down Castiel's arm in comforting strokes, the other holding him tightly to his torso. They stayed until the tears on Castiel's cheeks dried completely, the last sob broke out of Castiel's chest, until they were sitting there, silent but content.

"How about we forget about packing tonight and go out? Just the two of us, it'll be like a brother date or something."

Gabriel suggested quietly, not moving from his position. Castiel rubbed his eyes and smiled, the smile unseen by his brother.

"Yeah; I'd like that."

**x.x.x**

After long awaited two days (that were full of: frantic packing, random bursts of sobbing (from both Castiel AND Gabriel), and LOTS of alcohol and sweets) Castiel was finally ready to move into his new apartment.

"You ready to go Sam?"

Castiel called out from the back of the truck, wiping sweat away from his forehead as he loaded in the last box. There wasn't much, but with three, hopefully four people all working together, it shouldn't take very long and would give Castiel the rest of the weekend to get situated in his new place. Sam came out from the apartment and smiled brightly at his friend.

"Yeah, I'm ready. I called my brother, and he said that he'd help us. I told him to meet us in like an hour."

"Sweet, let's go to the store, we're gonna need beer, slim Jim's, and a shit ton of Reese's peanut butter cups."

Sam laughed and shook his head. "Gabriel does love those damn peanut butter cups." "They're his biggest weakness. He'd probably sell his soul for one." Castiel said as he hopped into the front seat of the car. Sam just laughed as he joined his friend, looking out the window as Castiel turned it on and turned the radio up.

**x.x.x**

The two boys had picked up Gabriel on their way to the new apartment, pulling into its driveway. Castiel stole a glance at his next-door neighbor's house and was pleased to find the gorgeous man – now known as Dean – sitting in a rocking chair, his eyes closed as his lips moved slowly, almost as though he was singing. With the car engine now turned off, Castiel could hear a faint tune from Led Zeppelin playing, and Castiel wondered if Dean knew that he had stolen his heart. A gorgeous man that appreciates good music?

_Take me now._

Sam let out a loud, sharp whistle, startling both Dean and Castiel. Castiel, however, was a little more graceful with his surprise, seeing as how he didn't fall out of his chair. Castiel smiled at Gabriel's cackle though and got out of the car, heading towards the back where all his possessions packed away in boxes were. Dean walked over to them and clapped his brother on the back, temporarily ignoring Castiel and Gabriel, who had joined him by the back.

Castiel purposefully ignored his friend and his hot brother, choosing instead to talk to Gabriel about where they should move things and about how quickly it should take them all to do. Soon Ash, his landlord, came out of the apartment and joined Sam and his brother.

"Ayee! Dean, man, How're things?"

"Confusing."

Dean answered, looking Castiel's way but Castiel refused to acknowledge him. He wasn't ready to face the super-hot-guy-who-also-thinks-he's-a-woman just yet; and yet, he knew he'd have to thank someone who was going out of his way to help him. So Castiel straightened his back, put on his bravest smile, and turned around. Castiel opened his mouth to say something when he was cut off, beaten to the punch by the very man he was trying to talk to.

"Hey, you must be Casandra, right? Gabriel's sister? I gotta say, it's nice to finally meet you, or at least, officially meet you."

Castiel glanced down at the open palm awaiting his handshake and back up to Dean with his charming smile. His smile had slipped for a moment, but he quickly pulled it back up, taking the hand as hard as he could and giving it a rough shake.

"Dean, yes. I'm actually Gabriel's brother, Castiel. Thank you for helping me move today."

A look of confusion graced over Dean's handsome features. "You don't look like Lucifer or Michael." He commented, giving Castiel a once over. Castiel felt his heart drop to his stomach and felt a light blush color his cheeks; behind him, Gabriel began to walk forward to say something but Castiel raised his free hand to stop him.

"I've got this Gabriel."

He said gently, making Dean look back up to him. "I've never heard of Gabriel having a third brother; I should know, I've known Gabe for at least three years." Castiel laughed, throwing his head back gently. He laughed for a moment and quickly pulled the hand he was still holding straight to his groin area, making Dean's eyes widen and Sam gasp.

"You feel that Dean? Doesn't feel like it belongs to a woman now does it?"

Castiel whispered in Dean's ear, feeling bold and taking the lobe of his ear in his teeth gently before letting it go. He glanced at Dean's face, bright red, as he tried to stutter out a response.

"Y-you can't- "

Castiel rolled his eyes and freed Dean from his crotch before stepping back. He reached into his pants and pulled out the packer he bought two weeks ago. "Does this look like something a woman would have?" Dean paled considerably and Sam and Gabriel were both holding onto each other to keep themselves upright as they cackled in laughter; the look on Dean's face was indescribable. Castiel grinned at the expression on Dean's face and waved the fake dick around his face, as though trying to snap him out of a trance.

"Alright, alright, Dean pick yer jaw off the ground, Castiel put your dick in your pants, you gotta get moved in now."

Ash said suddenly, a grin plastered to his face. Castiel did as he was told and blew a kiss in Dean's direction as Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder. "Oh man, Dean, you got served." Castiel laughed as Gabriel cackled, holding his stomach as he fell to the ground, unable to keep himself upright anymore.

"Come on guys; I've got beer, snacks, and pizza for anyone who can help me get my shit in the apartment."


	6. Chapter 6

Dean had already been having a super rough day.  _Super_ rough. He'd almost had a flashback at work and had to leave for an extended amount of time to get himself somewhat back to normal, then when he got home he had a beer for the first time all week because he was out of whiskey and needed a little alcohol in his system.  _Then_ , because he's an awesome brother and friend, he told Gabe and Sam that he'd help move Gabriel's brother in next door despite how physically and mentally drained he was.

And then  _it_  happened.

Dean was thrown for _another_ loop because Gabriel's brother that was moving in next door was the crazy haired girl from Missouri's. But that's just it; the crazy haired girl from Missouri's isn't a girl at all? Or at least he didn't think so, not anymore anyways. She— _He_  had a dick in his pants. A silicone dick, but honestly? Still a dick.

 _Gabe's brother was a girl and now he's a boy,_  Dean thought and finally his brain clicked _, Cas is trans._

Now, he stood in Ash's driveway in shock as the rest of them moved Gabriel's  _brother_  into his new apartment. How else was he supposed to react? The kid grabbed his hand and made Dean fondle his penis! That's not exactly an everyday occurrence for Dean.

Gathering his thoughts as much as he could he started helping them move some furniture because he didn't know what else to do and that was what he was there for anyways. He was trying very hard to focus on moving furniture with Sam because his embarrassment was trying to take over his body. He was so worried that he'd been offensive or mean, he hadn't meant to be. He just hadn't realized.

Dean had never been homophobic or transphobic or any kind of phobic. Dean wasn't even straight, not that the military had been aware of that information, but Sam and Gabriel were certainly aware. In high school Dean had gotten around a lot, with like,  _everyone._

They were almost done moving Cas in and Sam and Dean were taking a five-minute break because Dean needed a second to get his thoughts in order. Sam was drinking a beer and Dean was drinking water. He'd already had his one beer for the day. The older Winchester was so caught up in his own head that when Cas and Gabriel dropped a coffee table inside the truck the loud crashing sound of wood on metal caught him off guard.

Gabriel was sitting on the ground in front of the back of the truck like he'd fallen out and landed on his ass. He couldn't stop it if he had wanted to. Dean's body went rigid and the glass of water in his hand shattered but he didn't even notice. His eyes glazed over and his breathing became ragged.

"Shit," Sam growled. The younger Winchester stood in front of his brother and placed his hands onto Dean's shoulders. Dean had started crying.

" _Shit_ ," Gabe reiterated getting to his feet and hustling over to the two Winchesters. Cas stood frozen in the back of the truck unsure of what was happening.

"He's having a flashback," Sam informed him, "He's gotta be seeing Andy right now, nothing else makes him like this."

Sam wasn't wrong. Seeing Gabriel topple out of the truck after hearing that loud noise triggered a flashback and all that was filling Dean's head was the memory of his best friend Andy Gallagher being blown out of the back of the Humvee speeding alongside the one Dean had been sitting in.

Somewhere in the back of Dean's mind he knew what he was seeing and feeling wasn't reality. The faint voices of Sam and Gabriel were trying to push through a barrier in his head but he just couldn't stop staring at Andy's lifeless body in the sand.

"Dean," Sam whispered holding his brother's face in his hands, "Come on Dean, come back to me."

"An—Andy…"

"Dean you're  _home_ , it's me, Sam."

Dean's eyebrows knitted together when Sam put emphasis on the word home.

"Sammy?"

His eyes were starting to clear up and a worried smile crossed Sam's lips, "Yeah Dean, it's me. You had a little flashback."

Worry crossed Dean's features then and he tried to back away from Sam who only held onto his brother's shoulders to keep him put.

"Dean, everything's fine—"

"I didn't hurt anyone? Everyone is okay?"

"Deano, you barely even moved. The only person you hurt is yourself." Gabe said over Sam's shoulder.

Looking down at his hands Dean found that his right hand had one big gash on the edge of it and several smaller ones on his palm. The glass of water that he'd been holding was in tiny pieces on the concrete.

"I—I'm sorry."

"Don't," Sam shook his head, "Don't you apologize. There's nothing to be sorry for."

Dean didn't have the energy to argue so he just nodded. He would go and fuck up his day even more with a flashback. Now, not only does Gabriel's brother think he's a bigot but an insane bigot.

"Go on Sam," Gabriel said nodding towards Dean's house, "Take Dean inside and clean up his hand. Cas and I are almost done here anyways."

Once they were inside Sam cleaned and bound Dean's hand. When they finished he sat at the tiny kitchen table while Sam made him a cup of tea. Dean took the warm mug gratefully and wrapped his large hands around it to try and soak up some of the heat.

"Thanks Sammy."

"You should've let me know you had a rough day today," Sam said sternly.

"Gabe told you," Dean inferred.

"That's beside the point Dean, if I had known I wouldn't have asked you to help. I would've let you rest."

Dean only shrugged. He wasn't entirely sure what to say. Sam was right. He probably shouldn't have put himself into any situation that could have stressed him out more. Especially after his day at work.

"Finish that," Sam said pointing at Dean's tea, "And then try and take a nap or something."

After a while Dean placed his mug in the sink and tossed the tea bag into the trash while Sam headed back next door to talk to Gabriel and Cas. Cringing at what they both must be thinking Dean headed towards his bedroom.

Not long after he'd gotten back and was having a tough time with being a productive human being Sam and Bobby sound proofed his bedroom hoping the silence would help him get some sleep. It had been so peaceful in there at first that Dean had barely left the room for two weeks.

Even though it was earlier in the day before he went for his run to tire himself out he had no trouble falling asleep. He hadn't been this mentally drained in months and it was taking a toll on him. He'd gotten so used to functioning normally and couldn't even put into words how frustrated he was that he'd taken this massive step back in his recovery.

Dean dreamed about what his life would have been like had he not enlisted; thing's weren't too much different in his dream. He smiled a lot more and people didn't tip toe around him like he was going to break into a million pieces. He saw Sam graduate from high school and got his degree in mechanical engineering. He didn't know how to kill someone with his bare hands…

His home looked the same but Sammy was living with Gabriel because Dean didn't need a chaperone. A messy dark-haired man kissed him on the cheek and handed him a cup of coffee in the morning— he woke up.

Nothing externally had woken Dean, just his mind ripping him away from fantasies he didn't even know he wanted. He knew it was Cas that had handed him that cup of coffee he just didn't know why.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes Dean got out of bed and put on some sweat pants and a t-shirt. His hand was throbbing but he was grateful that he didn't need stitches. Making a mental note to clean and redress the wound later he headed into the kitchen, cringing because he hadn't put socks on and the floor was a little cold.

Someone had made coffee and left a mug for him next to the pot. After pouring himself some he noticed Missouri sitting in one of the rocking chairs on his front porch, cup of coffee already in hand. He saw her wave to someone next door but when Dean walked outside he only barely caught a glimpse of Cas' hair before the little guy went inside.

"Would you stop starin' and sit-down boy?" Missouri asked and Dean jumped a little before smiling sheepishly and taking a seat in the rocking chair next to hers.

"Sam called you?" Dean asked sipping from his mug.

She nodded, "Apparently you've had a rough day."

Dean just shrugged and watched the shadow of his house across the lawn as the sun began to set.

"It's alright, Dean."

"I could've hurt someone."

Missouri sighed quietly, "But you didn't. You should not dwell on what could have been Dean,  _or_  what  _has_  been."

Looking up at Missouri from his coffee mug Dean had tears spilling over the rims of his eyes, "I can't help it. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore Missouri."

Missouri is the only one that knows the extent of what Dean experienced and what Dean did while he was deployed. After boot camp, during his first tour Dean found out that he was a sneaky son of a bitch. He was put in a special ops group with other men and women who were also good at killing people and they were sent on missions to get rid of high priority enemy commanders.

For the most part Dean had killed bad people… _very_  bad people but innocents had been lost in the crossfire and it was something that Dean would never be able to forgive himself for.

When he came home for good he thought he had finally gotten away from the bad, but not two weeks after he was home did he experience the worst flashback of his life. He had severely injured a little girl's father in a grocery store as she watched. Just the faintest memory of that day made Dean want to cry.

"Dean," Missouri said reaching for his hand, "You just need to keep doing what you're doing. You are happier and more at peace now than you have been since you've returned. Despite what you have done or what you may think you are a  _good_  man."

He gave her a watery smile, "You sound like Sammy."

Missouri shrugged, "That boy is mighty smart, if I do say so myself."

-x-

The following week was very awkward for Dean. He was still so violently embarrassed by everything that had happened on the day that Cas had moved in that he couldn't find it in himself to say anything. Sometimes he would wave and smile but only long enough to get nervous and run back inside.

Dean was still getting up early to lift before work and found that Cas was up that early as well. He'd almost forgotten the little Novak was a teacher with Sam and needed to be at school before the kids showed up. Cas was always leaving for work just as Dean was finishing his work out and he would wave shyly as he drove by.

On Wednesday, late afternoon Dean got home from work to find Cas knee deep in dirt in the front yard. He was gardening. Ash was smiling and giving Cas a thumb's up on the front porch. It'd been five days since the incident and Dean decided it was time for him to stop being such an idiot.

Unzipping his mechanic's jumpsuit and pulling his arms out so that the top half hung about his waist Dean made his way into his kitchen and poured two glasses of iced tea. Grabbing them both he walked back outside and hesitantly shuffled next door.

He cleared his throat when he was close enough and Cas looked up from planting some tomato plants.

"Oh, Dean, hi," Cas smiled.

Dean smiled a bit shyly in return and thrust a glass of iced tea into the smaller man's direction, "I figured you might want a glass, it's pretty toasty out here."

Standing Cas took the glass from Dean, "Thank you. What is it?"

"Oh, uh, it's iced tea."

Cas smiled again gratefully and took a big gulp, "This is delicious. Thank you again."

Scratching his beard before shoving his empty hand in his pocket Dean shrugged and took a sip of his own, "It's no problem. What're you uh, planting?"

Cas' eyes lit up and Dean couldn't help but grin, "I just started planting tomatoes but I'm also planting green beans, bell peppers, cucumbers, arugula, romaine, carrots, and potatoes."

"Wow, got yourself a whole farmer's market there Cas."

Cas nodded, setting the glass of iced tea on the porch in front him and kneeling back down to finish covering the tomato plant's roots with soil. Dean stood next to Cas in a tense silence, casually sipping his tea, for another couple of minutes before he cleared his throat again and looked anywhere but at the man in front of him.

_Just do it already, Dean. Who fucking cares how cute he is, apologize._

"Look, Cas, I wanted to apologize for the other day, when you were moving in. I didn't mean to miss-gender you. I'm not like transphobic or anything."

He took a chance to look down at Cas who was now looking at him with wide blue eyes and a very shocked look on his face.

"You do  _not_ have to apologize for that. I didn't think you were trying to be offensive. I get miss-gendered frequently.  _I_  should be the one apologizing."

"For what?"

Cas stood up again and fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt, "Had I not dropped the coffee table in the truck—"

Dean cut him off, "Nope. Don't…" He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb, "Cas that wasn't your fault. That's just something I gotta live with. If it hadn't been you it coulda been somethin' else. Forget about it."

"Okay," Cas smiled shyly up at him through his shaggy bangs, "How is your hand?"

Dean looked down at the hand that had been cut up by the glass he broke. He'd been wearing a glove when he worked out or worked on cars so it wouldn't reopen. He hadn't needed stitches. At this point, there was just a small bandage on it.

"It's almost healed, itches like a sonuvabitch but it's better."

"That's good, I'm glad you're alright. Thank you again for the iced tea."

"Anytime." Dean couldn't help grinning back.

 _Cas is beautiful_ , he thought. He didn't think that because Cas was still a lot more feminine looking then he probably wanted to be. To be quite honest Cas was very androgynous looking to begin with and Dean just thought he was kind of ethereal, like he was too beautiful to be part of this world.

After a few more minutes of small talk and Dean blubbering awkwardly he headed back next door to his own home so that he could shower and eat before his visit to Missouri's.

She was taking a pie out of the oven when he walked in her back-screen door and it smelled heavenly.

"You wait until that's cool before you sneak a piece, you hear me boy?"

He chuckled, "Yes ma'am."

She rose an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

Lowering her eyebrow and then squinting at him she sat across from him at her kitchen table, "What's got you so giddy?"

Frowning slightly, Dean shrugged, "Whadda you mean?"

"You're all," she waved her hand back and forth at him, "Smiley."

"So?"

Missouri took a moment to gather her thoughts and examine his aura again. Then she smiled like she'd finally put together a puzzle.

"It's that cute lil' neighbor of yours that's got you all smiley."

"They're nice I guess," Dean said shrugging again.

Missouri could sense that, for now, that conversation was over. They talked some more about his flashback last week and how he'd been doing better. He was a little more nervous because before he had let his guard down. It had been so long since he had had any kind of incident that he'd almost forgotten how it felt. How horrible it was.

Once the pie had cooled he ate a big piece and talked to her about how working out twice a day was starting to really help him mentally. He only used heavy weights when Sam was home in the morning to spot him but lots of reps with somewhat lighter weight was really good for building muscle. His runs at night were starting to become a lot easier so he was now timing himself and making himself go faster each time. The burn in his lungs and fatigue in his legs were pure and it was something his mind could latch onto while he thought about his past.

When he got home from Missouri's Sam was cooking dinner in the kitchen. Surprisingly Gabe wasn't there as well but Dean figured he might be over visiting Cas.

"Hey Sammy, smells good. Sheppard's pie?"

Sam nodded, licking some mashed potato from his fingers and shoving a pan in the oven, "Yeah, it's easy and we had everything to make it."

Dean removed his boots and flannel before heading to the fridge to grab his first beer of the day.

"You seem happy."

Whirling around, Dean rose an eyebrow at his brother, "Seriously? You are the second person to say that to me today."

Sam scoffed, "It's not a bad thing, Dean."

He took a swig of his beer and handed Sam one, "I know."

"Is there any particular reason you're happier than normal?"

Dean shrugged but couldn't help looking out the kitchen window to see Cas' house next door.

"I've been doing a lot better, yah know, since last week. A  _lot_  better."

Sam's smile softened, "That's awesome dude. You know I just want you to be okay, right?"

"Yeah Sammy, I know. I am okay, thanks to you. And Missouri, and Gabe, and Bobby. I'm not really sure where I'd be if you guys hadn't been here when I got back. I just wish—" Dean swallowed. His throat was getting tight and he clenched his jaw. He was always emotional after Missouri's but he wasn't sure where this rawness was coming from.

"You wish what Dean?"

Sam was standing next to the oven and Dean was leaning on the counter next to the fridge. Sam took a couple steps forward when Dean rubbed his eyes with his hand and cleared his throat.

"I just wish I could've been there for you, Sammy." The tears were flowing freely now and he had to set his beer down, "I wasn't there for your graduation or your first break-up, or when mom and dad  _died_. I'm your big brother. I should've been there, and I  _wasn't_."

"Hey, hey," Sam said quietly stepping close enough to rest both of his hands-on Dean's shoulders, "You have been the best brother anyone could ask for. You are the bravest man I have ever met, Dean. Even though it didn't feel like it all the time, you were here," Sam touched his heart.

Dean was sobbing now.  _What had come over him?_ Something had unleashed a flood of emotions that Dean hadn't touched in months and it was freeing but also very overwhelming.

"I shouldn't have enlisted." He whispered.

"Dean," Sam shook his head, "Don't say that. You know you don't feel that way."

Sam was right. Despite everything he was going through because of it, he didn't feel that way. Dean was proud of what he'd done for the most part. He'd helped save a lot of people only the people he didn't save still haunted him at night.

"I just," Dean took a shaky breath, "I want to be the best brother I can be and this," he poked at his temple, " _This_  isn't letting me."

"Dean," Sam leaned down a little to look right into his brother's eyes, "Listen to me."

Dean nodded.

"You  _are_ the best brother, and two years ago whe—" Sam's voice broke a little and tears welled in his eyes, "When you came home? When you came  _home_? That was the best thing you have ever done for me. You came home,  _alive_ , and I have never been happier in my entire life. I am  _so_  proud to be your brother, okay?"

Dean nodded again. He didn't think he could speak without sobbing again so instead he just pulled Sam into a tight hug. They stayed that way for a while. They only pulled apart when the oven timer went off. Dinner was a lot more light hearted and it helped Dean calm down emotionally a little.

"So," Sam said finishing his second helping, "Why'd you look next door when I asked why you looked happy?"

Dean scoffed, "Pfftt, I dunno."

"It' Cas isn't it."

He scrunched his eyebrows, "Why do people keep saying that?"

Sam scrutinized him, "You're attracted to him."

"So what?"

Sam laughed, "You're afraid, aren't you?"

"Maybe a little," Dean pushed some food around with his fork, "I've got enough issues, I don't need to be putting any stress on Cas, not while he's got enough on his plate right now. I can only imagine what he must feel like being stuck mid-transition like this."

"Whatever Dean," Sam shrugged, "You do what you want. I just want you to be happy."

"Thanks Sammy."

-x-

Sam went over to Cas' where Gabe was around 10 to watch a movie with him. Dean decided not to go, he wanted to go through some things before he went for his run. Gabe waved at him enthusiastically when he stepped out on the front porch as Sam walked next door. Chuckling he waved back.

When he went back inside he pulled the attic stairs down into the hallway and grabbed the first box that was nestled into the ceiling. Bringing it into the kitchen and setting it on the table he brushed off some of the dust and opened it.

The side of the box was labeled  _Dean's Military Things_  in Sam's handwriting.

There wasn't too much inside but he thought it was time that he displayed some things because despite what he's been through or what he's done he was proud of serving his country.

He pulled out two picture frames, one contained a photo of his company right after they had been deployed to Afghanistan for the first time. The second one was a little smaller and it was a photo of him and Andy. The photo was a little rough because it had been windy and sand was flying everywhere. They were dirty and tired, but they were smiling.

Next, he pulled out his purple heart, which was awarded to people wounded in combat, and he then his silver star medal, which was primarily awarded to soldiers who display considerable acts of valor in combat.

It was hard for him to look at these things. Sam and Bobby were the only ones who even knew he was awarded these medals. Displaying them on the mantle of the fireplace he removed a wallet sized photo of him and Andy that had been taken just before they left for their second tour and then put the box back in the attic.

He removed his t-shirt, pulled on his running shorts and shoes and grabbed his iPod before heading into the garage. Dean placed the small photo of he and Andy in the impala so that he could see it while he drove and then headed out the back-screen door. It slammed loudly behind him and he saw Cas in the second-floor window next door turn to see where the noise had come from.

He could hear Gabe cackling about something inside. He waved shyly before strapping his iPod onto his arm and starting his run. He wasn't sure if Cas waved back.

Dean had prepared himself for an emotional run this evening based off today's events but he was surprised what came to his thoughts. Not Andy, but Cas. Dean had never met anyone like Cas before, not because he was trans, but because of how kind Cas was. No one but Sam had ever apologized to  _him_  after he'd had a flashback.

Cas didn't look at him like he was breakable, he looked at him like he was a regular person you didn't need to walk on eggshells around. As Dean ran flashes of Cas' messy black hair flashed before his eyes. His wide blue eyes and his angular jaw and his creamy skin. Cas' smile, his laugh, and his excitement over fucking vegetables had Dean grinning from ear to ear. By the time he sprinted back up his street and came to a stop outside the front of his house he could barely breath.

He didn't even notice it but he'd started running faster to see if Cas was still sitting in the window. Throwing his hands above his head he breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. He stretched as he walked towards the screen door at the back of his house. As he walked by he looked up into the window to find Cas still there. He was reading. Gabe's car wasn't there anymore so he assumed Cas was now alone.

It was late and Cas seemed occupied so he didn't bother him. He looked at him for another moment before walking inside. He slept soundly, and dreamt of Andy and Sam and planting veggies with Cas.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's smut!

Gabriel ended up staying with Castiel for the first few days of him being in his new place. Castiel was extremely grateful that he didn't even have to ask; Gabriel just pulled out a sleeping bag from his truck, laid it on the floor, said his good nights and fell asleep. It was nice when Castiel woke up in the middle of the night and didn't recognize where he was and started screaming, waking Gabriel wake up and immediately begin comforting him, telling him that everything was okay, that Castiel was safe in his new apartment. Gabriel held him until he fell asleep again and when he woke up in the morning, it was Gabriel's face that greeted him.

It embarrassed Castiel; he was always like this when he started sleeping in a new area, and that was mostly due to his past. He had some bad experiences waking up in places he didn't know and therefore tried to stay away from it as much as possible. Gabriel knew this and protected him, staying with him and making it not a big deal. It only lasted for a couple of days, and then Castiel would be used to where he was and that made everything okay.

"You sure you don't want me to stay an extra day?"

Gabriel asked for the third time as he rolled up his sleeping bag and put it back in its bag, not looking at his younger brother. "Yes Gabe, I promise, I'm fine. Besides, even if I wasn't, I have your number and I'll just give you a call." Gabriel looked up from the sleeping bag and stood to his feet, his brow knit in worry. "I know; I'm just concerned for you." Castiel rolled his eyes playfully but smiled at his older brother.

"Gabe, I appreciate that; you know I do. But you need to get back to Sam, he's getting angsty."

Gabe gave a small smile at the mention of his boyfriend and let out a small sigh. "Yeah, you're right; the moose doesn't know what to do whenever I'm not there with him." Castiel laughed and opened his arms for a hug, which Gabriel walked right into.

"Thank you."

He whispered, closing his eyes slowly.

Gabriel just squeezed him back.

**x.x.x**

Castiel glanced down at his shopping list, his eyes scanning for the next item on his list. He leaned his forearms on the handle of the shopping cart, his hand gripping his shopping list a little harder than necessary, his thoughts running together in such a way it seemed impossible for him to focus. So much had happened over the week, with the move, with Dean…

Maybe he should go see Missouri before his scheduled appointment.

"Hey, watch where you're- oh, Cas, hey."

Castiel was startled out of his thoughts when his shopping cart suddenly crashed into someone else's cart, them swearing for a moment before stopping. He looked up and then suddenly, it was hard to breathe.

Dean Winchester, standing in front of him with that dazzling smile of his, leaning on his forearms on the shopping cart.

Castiel could feel the back of his neck heat up and he cleared his throat to cover his awkward silence. "Dean, hello." He replied, trying to make his voice seem deeper than it was.

And yet, it still sounded feminine.

"What are you doing here?"

Dean asked, flashing his charming smile once again. Castiel had to wonder if he was purposefully trying to blind him, or if this was just how Dean Winchester was, flashing that smile of his and having everyone, man woman, neither and both, fall head over heels. Castiel tilted his head to the right slightly though as he thought about Dean's question, his eyes flashing to the checklist crumpled in his hand and the sparse groceries that were the basket of his cart.

"I'm… shopping?"

Dean laughed, his head thrown back slightly to expose that glorious Adam's apple of his and the sight of it had Castiel swallowing.

_Pull it together gay thoughts!_

"I got that Cas, I was more so wondering what you were getting."

Pink dusted across Castiel's cheeks and he quickly looked around the aisle he was in, trying to find the item on his list. Finally spotting it, he quickly grabbed a box of spaghetti and held it up as evidence, praying to any god above that his blush was unseen to Dean.

"I'm getting spaghetti."

Dean cocked an eyebrow and Castiel took this moment to look at the box he grabbed; Star Wars shaped macaroni and cheese. Dean dissolved into laughter as Castiel slowly put the box back onto the shelf, feeling like his face was on fire; but Dean's laughter was infectious, and soon both men were curved over their carts, tears running down their cheeks and their stomachs hurting from the laughter.

Castiel ended up composing himself before Dean did, as he looked at the other man in complete awe, a sudden thought struck his head, making his hands shake in sudden nerves. "Hey," Castiel said softly, calling for Dean's attention.

"Would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight?"

Dean's laughter slowly stopped, but his smile remained. His emerald eyes widened slightly and his smile seemed to grow even bigger, tugging his bottom lip between those pearly white teeth. "You wanna invite me over for dinner?" Castiel looked away from Dean, studying the boxes of macaroni as though it was the most important thing in the world.

"Well, I just thought that you've seen my garden, and some of the tomato plants already have a crop, so I just thought…"

"What are you making?"

Castiel looked shyly back to Dean, who was grinning. "Alfredo. I promise to have real spaghetti, and not macaroni." Castiel joked, making Dean laugh again. God, he loved the sound of that laugh. Castiel made a quiet vow to himself right then and there that no matter what, he would always make Dean Winchester laugh.

"It's a date then. What time do you want me to come over?"

"Eight o'clock?"

"Sounds perfect."

Dean flashed Castiel a dazzling smile and pushed his cart away, giving Castiel a small wink.

"I'll see you then, pretty boy."

Castiel blushed deeper and pushed his cart further into the aisle before suddenly stopping, whipping around quickly only to find himself alone in the aisle once more.

Did Dean Winchester say it was a date?!

**x.x.x**

Castiel brought his groceries inside his apartment, dropping the bags by the door and running to the couch, throwing himself on it and started screaming into the pillow. Hot  _Dean freaking Winchester_ not only called their little dinner a  _date_ , but also called him a pretty boy!

If Castiel was being honest, he was extremely attracted to Dean; from the moment his eyes met Dean's, he was lost in a sea of unfamiliar and terrifying territory. Castiel often wondered if he was being creepy by often putting himself in positions where he could see Dean; reading at the window in hopes to see Dean as he was leaving and coming back from his daily run, being in his garden for far longer than what was necessary in hopes to get a glance of Dean's smile, leaving earlier for school than he needed to, so he could wave at Dean in the morning. He felt like he was a freak, and a middle schooler who had a crush but didn't know what to do with it.

Castiel rolled over on the couch and clutched the pillow to his chest. Was he even ready for a sort of relationship? His last one ended so badly, and had so much damage behind it that Castiel wasn't sure if he would ever be able to trust, let alone date, men ever again. Castiel knew that Dean wasn't anything like his ex, but his ex also seemed like a good guy.

That is, until they started dating.

Shivers ran up Castiel's spine as he thought about it. The darkness that usually followed thinking about Him was starting to brew, and Castiel hated it. A really hot guy was about to come over to his house and eat his food, Castiel didn't have time to wallow in self-pity or allow himself to be consumed by depression. While it would have been much easier than facing it, Castiel wanted to put it in a bottle, lock that bottle up, and bury that bottle deep inside until later tonight, when he could call Gabriel or could have a moment alone with his thoughts and could cry with no problems.

Castiel's eyes slowly closed, his thoughts swirling in his brain.

**x.x.x**

A loud knock startled Castiel out from his slumber, making him roll off the couch. "I'm coming!" He yelled, standing to his feet and stepping over the bags of groceries still on the floor.

"Yes?"

Castiel opened the door and his eyes grew wide.

_Shit._

"Dean," He breathed. "I wasn't expecting you until later." Dean's brows furrowed in confusion as he pulled out his cellphone. "You said 8 o'clock didn't you?" Dean turned his phone on and showed the time: 8 o'clock, right on the dot. Castiel swallowed harshly and ran a hand over his face, looking sheepish. "I'm so sorry, it seems that I might have fallen asleep on the couch, and lost track of time."

Dean's eyes roamed over Castiel, making Castiel go pink. "I can tell." He said laughing, and Castiel took the opportunity to look down. His blue tie was backwards, his rolled sleeves were at different lengths, and Castiel's normally unruly hair was even more messy, or so he thought by touching it gently. Castiel smiled, slightly embarrassed.

"Would you like to come in anyways? Do you like pizza?"

Dean tucked his hands inside his jean pockets, smiling gently.

"Pizza sounds great."

**x.x.x**

"Cheater! You can't lie about my animal just because you don't want to lose!"

Castiel laughed, pushing Dean gently with his hand. Dean laughed as well, shoving Castiel back. "I sure can, you won the last three rounds!" Laughter filled the room as the two started shoving each other gently. Castiel ordered their pizza and while they were waiting for their meal to come, Castiel brought out a couple board games, saying that it would be a good way to get to know each other better while not being consumed by boring talk.

That was over an hour ago, the pizza now arrived and the two sitting criss crossed on Castiel's floor, headbands strapped to their heads with a picture of an animal; the object of the game was for them to ask questions about their animal and the other to answer it. If they could correctly guess their animal, they would win the game.

Castiel took a bite of his pizza, giggling quietly. He hadn't had this much fun in a really long time, and it was nice to just sit and relax with another human being. Dean soon followed suit, taking a bite of his bacon and pineapple pizza, making Castiel make a face.

"What?"

Dean laughed, his mouth full of the pizza. Castiel laughed, shaking his head. "Bacon and pineapple? That's so gross!"

"Hey, I'm not the one who put ranch on his pizza."

Castiel laughed again, taking a large bite of his pizza to further prove his point.

"Delicious."

Castiel stated, his voice muffled by the pizza in his mouth. Dean laughed and leaned forward, his thumb brushing over the bottom of Castiel's lip. "You have ranch on your lip." He said softly, explaining his actions to a frozen Castiel. Castiel quickly swallowed and his tongue darted out to wipe off the rest of the ranch, forgetting that Dean's finger was there. The moment his tongue made contact with Dean's skin, Castiel had exactly two thoughts:

1:  _Oh my god did I just lick Dean Winchester's finger, oh my god I am such a freak what the fuck is wrong with me, oh my god he thinks I'm a total idiot and he's never gonna talk to me again, shit if it was me I would never talk to me again oh my god Castiel what the fuck is wrong with you?_

2:  _Good god I wish I could lick Dean Winchester again._

The two were frozen, Castiel's Spotify playlist that was playing softly in the background now seeming deafening. Neither dared to move, Dean's skin warm against Castiel's, his breath ghosting across Dean's hand, both hearts beating wildly out of their chests. Castiel knew one of three things would happen: they would kiss, fuck, or laugh it off awkwardly and pretend this night didn't happen.

Castiel hoped the last one wouldn't happen.

Dean was so close, his body almost draped over Castiel's, their legs touching, warmth spreading between them. Castiel's body felt like it was on fire everywhere Dean touched, but it wasn't painful. It was a feeling he hadn't experienced in such a long time, with chemistry and electricity flying between them at such a fast rate Castiel had to wonder if he was imagining it all. Tired of wondering and desperate to do something about it, Castiel made a move.

"Are you going to kiss me or not?"

He whispered, his voice unable to go any higher. Dean stared deeply into Castiel's eyes; he could almost see the internal battle that was going on in Dean, for he had the same battle. So many demons that hadn't been put to rest, so many battles that had yet to be won, so many fears and uncertainties. Castiel almost regretted asking the question, almost regretted putting both of them out there in a way that they probably weren't expecting just yet. Everything was flying so fast; they had only just met, and yet, here they were, sitting in front of each other, inches away, each wondering what was going to happen next.

That is, until Castiel answered that question for both of them.

Not waiting on an answer, he leaned up and pressed his lips to Dean's, feeling almost consumed by such a strong emotion. What the emotion was, Castiel wasn't sure; it was a mixture of fear, excitement, lust, insecurity, and so much more. Dean's lips were slightly chapped, but they were still soft and warm. His hand trailed from his chin to the side of Castiel's jaw, his thumb stroking his cheek gently. Castiel hesitantly opened his mouth, unsure of Dean's reaction; he hesitated for a second, but soon opened his mouth as well, sliding his tongue into Castiel's mouth slowly.

Castiel could almost faint.

Dean tasted like pineapple and bacon, as well as the sweet wine Castiel had poured for them soon after the pizza arrived. The kiss was quickly becoming more heated and wet, their tongues rubbing against each other clumsily and hands beginning to roam. Dean's other hand touched Castiel's lower back under his shirt, his hand burning against Castiel's skin as he gently ran his fingers back and forth. Castiel gently bit Dean's lip, earning himself a small groan from Dean. Dean soon pulled away from Castiel's lips, choosing instead to kiss at Castiel's neck, Castiel running his fingers through Dean's short hair.

"Dean,"

Castiel breathed, arching up into Dean's mouth gently teething at his pulse point. Dean pulled away, making Castiel slowly open his eyes, his breath just as ragged and slow as Dean's.

"Cas."

Dean whispered, his eyes roaming over Castiel hungrily. A shiver ran up Castiel's spine at Dean's heated gaze, his heart almost jumping out of his chest. It had been a long time since he last felt this way, in fact, he thought he would never feel this way again.

It seemed that meeting Dean opened a lot of doors for Castiel.

The two sat across from each other, their eyes never leaving each other as they both tried to control their breathing. "It's been a long time." Dean said finally, his voice quiet. "Do you want to stop?" Castiel asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"Hell no."

Dean answered, surging forward to kiss Castiel again. Castiel met him halfway, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and pulling him closer, feeling that same spark that happened when they first kissed. Castiel's hands dropped from Dean's neck, trailing down his back to the bottom of Dean's shirt, trying to pull it up. Dean pulled away long enough to take his shirt off and throw it to some part of the room, taking Castiel's breath away.

"Wait."

Castiel whispered, sitting up. Dean paused, resting on his knees while Castiel slowly put a hand to Dean's shoulder, his eyes trying to commit this sight to memory. "Dean, you're so beautiful." Castiel said softly, kissing Dean's shoulder, making Dean shiver gently. "No, I'm not, I'm covered in scars." Castiel glanced up at Dean, and smiled.

"Your scars make you beautiful."

Castiel ghosted his hand across the bullet hole scars, pressing a small kiss to each of them. There were only three of them, along with some smaller scars, and by the time Castiel finished kissing each of them, Dean was shaking slightly.

"Dean- "

Before Castiel could finish his statement, Dean leaned forward and captured Castiel's lips in a hungry kiss, nipping at Castiel's lip as if to tell him to shut up and stop talking; Castiel didn't mind. Dean's hands slipped completely under Castiel's button up and slowly started to slide upwards, his shirt gliding up with Dean's hands and Castiel had to quickly pull away from the kiss.

"Wait, wait, wait."

Castiel said quickly, Dean immediately stopping in his movements but not moving his hands away. "What is it?" Dean asked, slightly worried. Castiel searched Dean's eyes and could see his own panic reflected at him. "I need to know something."

"What is it?"

"Who's going to bottom?"

Dean ran his fingers up Castiel's back, making Castiel want to stop talking and continue, consequences be damned, but he needed to know. "What do you want to do?" Dean asked, his eyes at Castiel's neck. Castiel swallowed hard, and had to find strength to answer the question as Dean leaned forward and began kissing at his neck.

"I want to bottom, but I don't want to if you're only doing this because I'm trans."

Dean pulled away from Castiel's neck with a frown. "Cas, I'm not doing this with you because you're trans. It's not like I only want sex with you if you have a woman's body. I want to have sex with you because you've captured my attention, and I can't get you out of my head. I want to have sex with you because you're driving me crazy and I want you."

As Dean talked, he began kissing Castiel's neck again, making Castiel's breath even more ragged. "Can I keep my binder on?" Castiel panted, his nails gently scratching against Dean's scalp. "If that makes you more comfortable, then of course." Castiel smiled and brought Dean from his neck to kiss him again. As they kissed, Dean began unbuttoning Castiel's shirt slowly before pushing the material off Castiel's shoulder, exposing him. Dean pulled away from the kiss to examine Castiel, smiling gently.

Castiel wore a tan half binder, his skin pale and his wait coming into an hourglass shape. Dean leaned down and pressed his lips to the smallest part of Castiel's waist, sucking on the skin gently. Castiel let out a small moan and tangled his fingers in Dean's hair. As Dean worked on Castiel's waist, his fingers lopped themselves into Castiel's belt loops and began to pull them down.

"Dean, do you have protection?"

Castiel moaned out, making Dean freeze. Dean looked up to Castiel slowly and smiled sheepishly. "Um, I don't actually. Do you?" Castiel let out a groan, throwing his head back. "No, I wasn't thinking that I was going to have sex any time soon." Dean let his head fall against Castiel's stomach. "Are you serious? This sucks." He said, his voice muffled. Castiel let out a little giggle, making Dean look up. "What is it?" He questioned, smiling slightly.

"It's just funny that the first time in over two years I might get laid and I can't because I don't have a condom."

Dean laughed as well, pressing a light kiss to Castiel's skin again. "Well, we have two options." Dean said, piquing Castiel's interest. "Oh?" He replied, gently running his fingers through Dean's hair. "We can either stop here and be consumed by sexual frustration and tip toe around each other, trying to figure out what the other wants, if this was just a moment where we both got carried away and wonder if this was truly something, or…" Dean gently bit the skin above Castiel's pants, making him bite his lip gently.

"Or we can keep going, and you can let me take you out to dinner sometime soon and maybe we can continue this one way or the other?"

Castiel let out a small moan as Dean bit at his skin again. "Kiss me again." Castiel commanded, pulling Dean's hair gently. Dean grinned wickedly and leaned up to capture Castiel's lips in a heated kiss before pulling away slowly.

"Good choice."

He whispered before leaning back down, unbuttoning Castiel's pants and pulling them down slightly. Castiel's back arched slightly when Dean's breath ghosted across his exposed skin. Dean hooked his fingers in either side of Castiel's boxers and slowly pulled them down, completely exposing Castiel. "Are you okay Cas?" Dean asked, making Castiel having to hold back a moan when the air from Dean's voice puff against him.

"Y-yeah, I'm okay. What about you?"

Dean licked his lips and nodded, his movement felt against Castiel's legs. Dean leaned forward and gave an experimental lick, making Castiel jump slightly. Dean looked up to Castiel before continuing with a little bit more confidence, making Castiel let out a shuddering moan. Castiel threaded his fingers through Dean's hair once again, his knees beginning to shake slightly as Dean continued, his tongue swirling around him before sucking gently. Castiel arched into the touch, his fingers squeezing Dean's hair gently as he let out a breathy moan. Dean's beard scratched against Castiel's sensitive skin, only adding to the pleasure Castiel was being filled with; Dean was apparently very skilled with his tongue.

Castiel let out an almost scream as Dean found his clit, tugging it gently with his teeth. Dean paused and glanced up at Castiel, worry evident on his brow. "I-is that okay?" He asked nervously, as Castiel struggled to find his breath.

"Dean, I swear to god if you don't stop talking and keep going…"

Castiel panted, his nails digging into the palm of his hand. Dean grinned and continued, making Castiel moan again as he flicked his tongue over Castiel's clit, sucking gently. Castiel's free hand uncurled and began raking down the parts of Dean's back he could reach, making small gasping sounds as Dean continued in all the right places. Castiel wondered if he should feel embarrassed for all the noise he was making, but he honestly couldn't care less; he was high in ecstasy and Dean was providing the drug.

"Dean, I'm-"

Castiel panted, feeling the familiar coil in his stomach getting tighter and tighter. Dean didn't say anything; his response was in frantically moving his tongue and biting and sucking and moving, his beard on too sensitive skin-

"Oh god!"

Castiel cried out as he came, the coil in his stomach letting go. His legs instinctively closed slightly as they shook from the power of his orgasm. Castiel rode out his orgasm until it faded away, leaving him panting heavily and coated in a slight sheen of sweat. He opened his legs, so Dean's head wasn't locked between his legs and smiled at Dean's grin.

"Was that real?"

Dean asked, crawling up towards Castiel. Castiel nodded, smiling. "Yeah, it was real." Dean grinned again and kissed Castiel gently; he could taste himself on Dean's lips and thought that he should've been grossed out, but nothing was disgusting if he was with Dean. Castiel felt something nudge against his leg and he pulled away from the kiss, noticing how hard Dean was; he was straining against his jeans and that reminded Castiel that he was the only one completely naked.

"Dean…"

Castiel breathed, trailing a hand down Dean's chest to finger Dean's jean button. Dean's breath hitched, and he shivered slightly, cocking his head slightly. "Cas, I don't know if I can." Dean whispered, his eyes sliding shut slowly. Castiel reached up gently and caressed Dean's cheek, making Dean open his eyes again.

"Do you trust me?"

Castiel breathed, his thumb running along on the bottom of Dean's lip. Dean hesitated, leaning into Castiel's hand. "I want to." "Do you trust that I will never do anything to hurt you?" Green eyes stared deep into blue ones and he slowly nodded. Castiel smiled and pulled Dean closer, until their lips were only centimeters apart.

"Then trust me."

Castiel whispered, his voice almost gone unheard. Dean nodded, hesitantly, but it was enough for Castiel. He leaned forward and captured Dean's lips for a heated moment before pulling away, beginning to kiss Dean's neck. Dean tilted his head to give Castiel more room, silently encouraging him. Castiel soon moves from Dean's neck and trails his lips down Dean's chest, filing away Dean's shaky breaths in the back of his mind.

He finally met his target, staring at the button in front of him. Castiel glanced up at Dean, silently asking him for permission. "Castiel, I…" Dean swallows harshly and nods slowly. "Just go slow." Castiel nods and begins to unbutton Dean's jeans, pulling them down slowly. Dean shuts his eyes and braces himself as Castiel pulls down his boxers and begins to pleasure him, moving slowly just as Dean had requested.

"Cas, wait wait wait, no, I can't."

Castiel looks up and see tears welling in Dean's eyes, fat tears about to roll down his cheeks. Castiel quickly pulls away, scrambling to be next to Dean. "Dean, what is it, what's wrong?" Dean rubs his face harshly, trying to hold back his sobs. "I-I-I don't know, but I just can't." Castiel pulls Dean close, wrapping his small arms around the larger man and squeezing him as hard as he could. Dean leans his head on Castiel's shoulder and sobs into his shoulder, his hands resting on Castiel's hips.

"Shh, it's okay Dean."

Castiel whispered, petting Dean's hair gently as he began to rock the older man gently. The two sat there for a while, Castiel whispering sweet nothings into Dean's ears as he cried. After about an hour, Dean had finally stopped crying and instead just allowed Castiel to hold him.

"Dean, why don't you stay the night? It's getting late and I don't want you to be alone right now…"

Dean pulled away from Castiel and smiled gently.

"That sounds wonderful."

**x.x.x**

Castiel woke up the next entangled in his sheets and Dean's head on his chest and an arm thrown over his waist. He let out a small smile before staring up at the ceiling, thinking. Last night had been something else, and the fact that Dean freaking Winchester was in his bed with him right now made Castiel float on cloud nine; but, there was still things that made Castiel worry. As much as he enjoyed last night, he had to wonder if it was a mistake. There was so many problems that Castiel hadn't even started on healing, and it wasn't like Dean was any better. They were both so broken, had so many problems, had so many demons that plagued them…

A soft kiss on his shoulder brought Castiel out of his thoughts and he turned to see Dean smiling sleepily up at him. "Good morning handsome." He greeted, making Castiel blush slightly. "Good morning." Castiel replied, smiling at how cute Dean looked with that sleepy look on his face.

It was that moment that Castiel realized that he would do it all over again if it meant that he could see Dean's sleepy smile.

**x.x.x**

Castiel sat in that same, familiar office, the quiet ticking clock beginning to fill the room just as it always did. Missouri sat in front of him, her legs crossed and her hands resting on a file, his file; not that there was much in it anyways.

"So, Cassandra, how was your week?"

In that moment, Castiel felt something inside him crack. Maybe it was the frustration of constantly being misgendered, the guilt he kept feeling whenever he thought about his night with Dean, or just the overall stress Castiel had been under for the past few weeks, but enough was enough.

"That's not my name! My name is Castiel,  _not_  Cassandra, and I swear to fucking god if I hear someone call me Miss or Ma'am one more time, I'm going to lose my damn mind; I'm not a woman, I'm not a girl, I'm a fucking man and that's no one's right to call me anything but except for myself."

Castiel snapped, his brows furrowing deeply as he dug his short nails into the palm of his hand. He felt hot, like he was sitting next to a fire, but the relief he felt at finally saying it out loud flooded over him. Missouri's wide eyes were the only indication that what Castiel said surprised her; instead, she adjusted herself in her seat before clearing her throat gently.

"So, Castiel. Tell me why you're here."

And so Castiel did.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean was overwhelmed.

He was overwhelmed with comfort, and warmth, and happiness, when he woke up in his neighbor's bed.

Dean Winchester was currently wrapped around Castiel Novak, the most adorable and loving human being he had known in a very long time.

He was also overwhelmed with the most massive feeling of…relief? He wasn't sure. Up until last night Dean had been completely and utterly celibate for the entirety of the two years he'd been back from deployment. It was hard for Dean to enjoy things. It was hard for Dean to believe that someone would feel connected enough with him to be intimate with him. After everything that he'd seen and done it almost felt like he didn't deserve it.

But Cas thought he was beautiful. Cas thought he deserved it.

And he still couldn't go through with it. Not all the way. He had no qualms about pleasing Castiel, it was the highlight of his night actually, but when it came for Cas to return the favor? His body just shut down. Despite how far he'd come with his recovery he still couldn't let himself enjoy certain things and that just happened to be one of them.

Cas had been so understanding. He didn't get angry or annoyed or disappointed. He embraced Dean and cared for him. That's why Dean was so happy despite his little setback last night, Cas was so fucking kind it lit Dean up inside like a swarm of fire flies.

He opened his eyes to the back of Cas' shaggy haired head and a sliver of sunlight peeking through the curtains at him. He could tell the blue-eyed boy was awake. Leaning forward he placed a soft kiss to Cas' bare shoulder.

Smiling sleepily at Cas when he turned to look at him Dean tightened his arms around Cas' tiny waist.

"Good morning Handsome," the blush that Dean received from his neighbor was probably the best thing someone could ever wake up to.

The sun from the window was shining on Cas' dark hair and his face was sleepy and soft, and Dean hadn't felt this happy and at ease in a long time.

"Good Morning," Cas rumbled out. Despite the fact that Cas hadn't started T yet and his voice was still very feminine, it was incredibly husky sounding in the morning and Dean fucking loved it.

"How'd you sleep?"

Cas smiled and blushed again, "Really well, it's better when you're not alone."

"You ain't kiddin'," Dean nuzzled into Cas' chest, maneuvering himself so his large body was lying between Cas' legs and nestled on Cas' small frame, "I haven't slept that soundly since before I left for Afghanistan."

Cas' eyebrows hit his hairline, "Really?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded, looking down away from Cas' face, "I feel…comfortable with you. Safe. Like I don't have to worry about you treating me like I'm broken even though I am."

He was surprised at how honest he was being. Dean had never been a touchy, talks about his feelings type of person unless he was talking to Sammy—and even then, most of the time Sam had to pull his own teeth out before Dean would open up.

At least that was how it was before he started seeing Missouri.

"You feel safe with me?" Cas looked surprised.

"Yeah."

"I feel safe with you," the blue-eyed boy admitted, he fiddled with the hair on the nape of Dean's neck and traced circles into Dean's back with his free hand, "I've never felt this safe with anyone but Gabriel."

Dean wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think that anyone would feel safe with him, not after what he'd done. But Cas didn't know.  _Doesn't matter,_  Dean thought,  _I'd never let anything, or anyone hurt Cas anyways._

"I'm a little broken too yah know," Cas said interrupting Dean's thoughts.

Dean couldn't help but smile softly. He pushed himself onto his hands so he was hovering over Cas, "Broken pieces always seem to fit together somehow," he whispered before kissing the smaller man gently.

It was a languid kiss. It lasted a long time, but it never escalated. It was lazy and slow, and they kept smiling into each other's mouths.

Eventually Cas pressed the palms of his hands to Dean's chest.

"Dean, I need to get up."

"Why?" he pouted. It was a Saturday morning, he wanted to stay right where he was.

"I have an appointment with Missouri in less than an hour."

Dean huffed a massive sigh before turning them around so he was lying on his back and Cas was encased in his arms on top of him.

"But I just wanna lay in bed with you."

Cas shrugged, "Fine. You explain to Missouri why I'm late then."

Dean grumbled something incoherent. The little Novak had a point. Missouri would kill him if he made Cas late. And she'd find out even if Cas didn't say it was him.

"Okay, fine. But I let you go on one condition."

Cas rose an eyebrow at him, "And that is?"

"You let me make you dinner tonight." Dean kissed Cas' nose, "You seemed fine with it when I suggested it last night and I won't fall asleep and order pizza."

Cas tried to frown at him, "Hey! I didn't mean to."

"Yeah yeah," Dean pulled him in for a long kiss before letting him get up. He watched Cas walk around his bedroom as he gathered his shower clothes. Finally, as Cas was getting in the shower he kissed him goodbye before heading back to his house next door.

-x-

Dean had forgotten how empty his house was beginning to feel now that Sam was moving in with Gabriel. Sammy had boxes everywhere in the hallway and the garage which was making it difficult for Dean to work out.

He showered, a long, hot, drawn out shower because Cas was still on his mind and he never did get that release.

Bobby told him not to go into work today and he had no idea what to do with himself, so he looked up a recipe for lasagna and then went to the store to grab the ingredients.

His mind wandered so much while he was grocery shopping that he could barely focus on his list. He couldn't stop thinking about Cas and how much he loved holding him in his arms, and kissing him, and watching him smile, and making him blush…and moan, and gripping his thighs as they pressed against Dean's head while he…

_Get it together Dean, you're in a fucking grocery store. Ricotta cheese, lasagna noodles, tomato sauce…_

When Dean got back from the store Cas' car was gone from its drive way and a pink fiat was sitting in its place.

Gabriel Novak was standing on Dean's porch with his arms crossed.

"Gabe?" Dean huffed as he grabbed all the groceries with one arm so he could unlock the front door.

"Deano."

"Is something wrong?"

Gabe followed him inside and into the kitchen where Dean started unloading the groceries onto the counter.

"Depends,"

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, "On…?"

"On what your intentions are with my little brother."

The brown paper bag that Dean had been unloading groceries from ripped loudly and he blushed furiously. He hadn't even thought about what Gabe would think. He took a deep breath, stuck the ricotta cheese in the fridge and turned to face his friend.

"My  _intention_  is to cook your little brother dinner."

Gabe must not have expected that as an answer because he raised his eyebrows in surprise but then he cleared his throat and resumed his stoic expression.

"You know I love you Deano, but I gotta do this so just—just let me get this out."

Dean nodded and started putting groceries away while he listened to his best friend.

"Cas is going through a lot right now. Some you know, a lot you don't. I know you've got a lot going on in your life too and I just," Gabe pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb, "I just need to know what your plan is because Cas doesn't fucking need someone to just drop him out of no wher—"

"Gabe," Dean interrupted, "I really like your brother.  _Really_  like him. I slept over Cas' last night," Dean ventured and even though Gabe growled a little he let Dean continue, "I haven't slept so soundly or peacefully in two years. Cas doesn't tip toe around me. It's nice."

"I just need to make sure that you're actually interested in him Dean.  _Him_."

Dean smiled sheepishly, "I'll reassure you like I did him. First, just to clarify, even though I know you know this, I am not, by any means, straight. Second, it doesn't bother me that Cas is transgender, or that he has or hasn't started his transition. I like Cas because of who he is as a person. Physically, man or woman? Doesn't really matter to me, all that matters to me is that Cas and I have a connection."

Gabe smiled at him, which Dean wasn't expecting at all.

"Good, that's…really good. I think you'll be good for each other. Cas told me about your sort of date. I haven't seen him smile so big in a long time."

Dean assumed that Cas didn't tell Gabe everything because if he had Dean would probably have a black eye right now because first dates with Gabe's little brother shouldn't be  _that_  intimate.

He blushed furiously, "I'm glad that I made him smile that much,"

"But," Gabe said walking towards to the door but then turning for a moment, "If you hurt him in any way I'll fucking kill you. I don't give a damn that you're some sort of special ops wonder boy person."

Dean chuckled, he was amused by the comment for the most part, but he tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. The fact that Dean was a skilled special ops soldier was a touchy subject, but no one really knew how much it bothered him.

"Message received," he halfheartedly saluted, "I promise Gabe, I would  _never_  hurt Cas in any way. I couldn't."

Gabe nodded with a smile and left Dean alone in his kitchen with the rest of his groceries. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, just standing there with his hands at his sides. A lot of good things were happening to Dean recently; his exercise was helping him mentally, he was getting sleep, and  _Cas._

Opening his eyes, he looked to the photo of him and Andy that he'd placed on the mantle in the next room over and smiled. Andy would be happy for him.

Flicking on the radio and turning up the 38 special song that bubbled out Dean finished putting the groceries away and prepped for the meal that he was gonna make Cas later. He couldn't help grinning to himself because Cas was coming over and that made him happy.

Once Dean was done with the groceries he went for a run to kill some time before Cas returned from his appointment with Missouri. Cas was on his mind for a lot of it. The anticipation of their date later was fueling the adrenaline already pumping through him while he ran. He was dizzy when he finished. Not a bad, dehydrated, unhealthy dizzy but a happy, delirious, anxious dizzy.

He stretched and calmed his breathing. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with a rag he plucked the lasagna he had prepared into the oven and then hopped in the shower for the second time that day.

While he was in the shower his thoughts got away from him a little bit—and not in a dirty way. Everything was just happening a little too fast for Dean. Less than a month ago Dean was still a functional alcoholic who thought that he would not only never find love but also never recover from the glaring pit of despair that his PTSD had dropped him in.

And now he couldn't go ten minutes without smiling to himself about something.

 _Don't get me wrong,_  Dean thought to himself,  _I'm still really fucking messed up but at least I'm not sad all the time_.

Was he going too fast with this whole Cas thing? Is having dinner after you hookup still considered too fast in society? He didn't know. The only thing he knew was that Cas made him smile and he doesn't have nightmares because he's dreaming about him, and he wasn't even psyched out by Cas being a man but still physically a woman. Cas could be a fucking potato and he'd still want to spend time with him and care for him.

 _So that settles it,_  Dean toweled off and looked at himself in the mirror,  _Keep doing what you're doing. It makes you happy. Working out makes you happy. Your family makes you happy,_  He smiled at his reflection,  _Cas makes you happy._

Dean wasn't even dressed when the doorbell rang.

"Shit," he grumbled before grabbing the pair of sweat pants on his bed and sliding them on in the hallway on the way to the front door. His hair was all puffy and damp because he'd towel dried it and hadn't gotten a chance to fix it and he wasn't even wearing a shirt. Or deodorant.

It was safe to say that Dean wasn't prepared for what was on the other side of the door. Cas had gotten a haircut. It was still disheveled and crazy but his inky black locks were trimmed on the top and cropped shorted on the sides and it look pretty damn good. He was wearing a dark blue sweater and a nice pair of jeans with a smart pair of shoes and Dean was loving the sexy teacher vibe that was being thrown in his face.

"H-hello Dean," Cas choked out.

Dean blushed furiously and chuckled nervously, "Hey Cas, Sorry I'm not dressed, I just hopped out of the shower. Come on, in, I'll only be a second."

He didn't miss the tinge of pink that blossomed onto Cas' cheeks as he tried to look away from Dean's bare chest.

"Really, I don't mind." Cas flirted tentatively and Dean blushed a little more. Once Cas was inside Dean took a chance and pulled Cas into a kiss. It was relatively quick but he gave Cas a chance to kiss back.

Dean looked down at Cas after he pulled away, "Hi,"

Cas swallowed and let out a breath, "Hi."

Gathering himself a little and shaking his head to clear his mind Dean stood up straight and backed towards the hallway.

"Make yourself at home, Cas. The lasagna's in the oven and I'll only take a second."

Cas nodded and he jogged into his bedroom.

Dean took a deep breath and looked at himself in his bedroom mirror.

"You've got this," he told himself.

He pulled on his dark wash jeans, slipped on a belt and then his socks before yanking on the dark brown sweater he had laid across the chair in front of his closet. He put on some deodorant and a little cologne. Rubbing some hair pomade that Sam got him for Christmas in his hands and smooshing some into his hair he headed back out into the living room.

Cas was standing in front of the fire place looking at the photos Dean kept on the mantle piece. He was currently inspecting one of he and Sam from right before he left for boot camp.

Dean wasn't sure what to say so he cleared his throat and smiled when Cas turned around.

"Ready to eat?"

Cas nodded, "You look," Cas cleared his throat when his words came out scratchy, "You look really nice."

"Right back at yah," Dean said taking Cas' hand and leading him to the kitchen, "Lovin the haircut."

Dean pulled a kitchen chair out for Cas to sit in and then pulled the lasagna out of the oven. He kept it on the top of the stove and dished some out for him and Cas before returning to the table with their plates.

"Dean this looks delicious."

Dean chuckled, "Yeah, well wait until you try it before you start with the compliments."

And then Cas did try it and proceeded to groan in a way that Dean wouldn't deem normally appropriate for the dinner table.

"Dean this  _is_  delicious. Holy  _shit_ , if I could make love to food it would be this food."

Dean couldn't help laughing, "Thanks Cas."

The rest of their meal went well. At least, Dean thought so. They talked about Sam and Gabe, and they talked about themselves, and they laughed, and Dean hadn't had a relaxed evening like this with someone he was romantically involved with in  _years_.

"I am  _so_  full," Dean leaned back and held his bloated stomach like he was pregnant, "I haven't been this full since last Thanksgiving."

Cas laughed, his eyes crinkling and his head tilted back, "Well that might be because you had  _four_  pieces!"

"I had to. You only had one a half pieces."

Cas frowned playfully, "Hey! It's not my fault I'm a small person. I can only eat so much."

"It's fine," Dean said standing and pulling Cas to his feet, "I like that you're small. It's cute and you fit in my arms nice."

He pulled Cas into a hug and then immediately regretted it, pushing Cas away a little.

"Still too full?" Cas laughed.

Dean groaned a little and lead him to the living room.

"What about the dishes?"

He waved his hand and plopped down on the sofa, "I'll do em' later. C'mere."

Dean yanked on Cas' arm so the smaller man dropped onto the couch with Dean and huddled up underneath Dean's arm. Dean's head was leaned back, and his eyes were shut. Cas was tracing circles into Dean's chest with his free hand. Dean had thought that waking up this morning to Cas was the best feeling ever, but he was wrong. This was. Having Cas next to him, in his home, after they just ate so much lasagna that he could burst.

"Dean?"

Cas sounded curious but also very hesitant, so he opened his eyes and rose his eyebrows, "Yeah Cas?"

"I-I didn't know you had military medals."

"Oh yeah," Dean cleared his throat and sat up a little. He was suddenly a lot more awake.

"I'm sorry Dean," Cas said fiddling with Dean's fingers, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Oh Jesus, No," Dean said kissing Cas' forehead, "You didn't Cas. It's fine really. I don't mind talking about it. Missouri said it's good for me to talk about it with the people I care about."

Dean liked that Cas smiled a little at that.

"Do you mind if I ask what they're for?"

"No Cas, of course not." Dean stood and grabbed one of the medals off the mantle piece before bringing it back to the couch, "This one's pretty self-explanatory. It's called a purple heart."

Inside the small frame was a purple heart with golden trim. George Washington's head was golden and in the center. A purple and gold ribbon was attached to the top of it.

"It's beautiful."

Dean smirked a little, "Yeah I guess so. It's um, awarded to soldiers who have been wounded in battle."

"Oh," Cas held onto it a little more tightly, "Yo-your scars…"

"Yeah, my scars. I don't have that many but," Dean's thought kind of drained away and he shrugged.

Dean took a deep breath then before removing the medal from Cas' hands to put it aside. Then, he took one of Cas' hands and slipped it under his sweater. He dragged Cas' hand up his chest before pressing the smaller man's fingers over a scar on his shoulder.

"This is a bullet wound. Got it in my first tour, it's faded a lot since then."

Next he brought Cas' hand to a scar just below his right pectoral. It was long and thin.

"This is from my first tour too, from some shrapnel. I was far enough away it wasn't too bad."

Dean continued slowly for a while, letting Cas graze each of his scars with his warm fingertips. There were several on his back and as Cas was feeling one on the back of his neck with one hand he swung his leg over Dean's legs and straddled him. Dean was overwhelmed. He was letting Cas into an emotional part of him that almost no one had seen. He was showing Cas each of his blemishes and Cas only got closer.

Their noses were brushing, Cas' breath was hot on his face and Dean was dizzy with his closeness.

"You are beautiful, Dean Winchester."

Dean didn't want the breath in his throat to catch but it did. Instead of saying anything he decided pulling Cas into a heated kiss would be easier.

When their lips slammed together there was a release of breath from both men and Dean sighed into the smaller man. He gripped the hair on the back of Cas' head with one hand and let go of Cas' hand with the other to grip onto Cas' hip and squeeze.

Cas' hands started in Dean's hair but slid down to his shoulders and then his chest and onto his thighs.

Dean froze then. Cas' hand stopped over the outer pant leg of his right thigh and rubbed the raised skin underneath. The large scar on Dean's leg reached from his hip to the back of his knee. It was thick and light pink and hadn't faded at all since he'd gotten it in his second tour.

"Not that one," he said before Cas could ask, "I can't talk about that one."

"Okay," Cas whispered and kissed his forehead, "It's okay."

When Cas' mouth found his again Dean couldn't help the moan that erupted from his throat. He bucked his hips upwards and Cas shuddered only slightly. Dean slid his large hands down Cas' waist and gripped his upper thighs.

Abruptly he stood from the couch, keeping hold onto Cas who was wrapped around his waist now. Cas yelped in surprise and Dean smiled into the kiss.

Cas laughed before tightening his legs around Dean's waist causing more friction then Dean was prepared for.

"It's terribly unfair that you can just pick me up like this," Cas grumbled in Dean's ear.

Dean smirked as he walked them to his bedroom, "Unfair? Don't you mean incredibly hot?"

Cas shrugged, "Synonyms."

Dean kicked the door of his bedroom shut and dropped Cas onto his bed. Cas was on his back, his sweater rising above his hips, his hair in disarray and his lips swollen.

"Shit, Cas."

Cas only blushed and Dean crawled over him to capture his lips in another heated kiss. He rolled his hips down onto the smaller mans and eventually he wasn't sure who's moans were who's.

"Dean," Cas said breathlessly. Dean looked up from where he was unbuttoning his own jeans.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you wanna do this right now? We can wait if you want."

"Cas I think it's pretty clear that I want this," Dean chuckled gesturing to the massive hard on that was straining in his jeans.

Cas rolled his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows, "You know what I mean."

And he did. Dean did know what he meant. He'd closed up last time and Cas wanted to make sure he was comfortable which honestly turned Dean on even more because Cas was so considerate. Dean's shoulders relaxed and he leaned down to kiss Cas' forehead.

"I'm sure," he moved to kissing Cas' jaw, and then his neck, "You're amazing, Castiel Novak."


	9. Gabe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Liz and I noticed that sometimes we take too long to update chapters, so we started doing little blurbs from Sam and Gabe's perspective whenever one of us can't update as quick! Hope you enjoy!

Gabe had lived in Seattle for most of his life, but it never felt like home the way Lawrence, Kansas did. He'd only been in Lawrence for almost three years, but he'd never been happier. Just thinking about his old life—his and Castiel's old life—made him cringe. It made him sad and it made him angry. Gabriel's parents had never approved of his life choices until he became a surgeon because that's what big brother Michael did, and that's what  _Dad_  did.

 _Do what your father does,_ his mother said,  _there's still hope for you. Your sister is lost but you can still be saved._

If only he could have known that he was stepping into hell—hurled past Cerberus, plopped right at Hades' feet. It's not that he  _hated_  being a surgeon, it paid absurdly well, and he was damn good at what he did. The thing with being a pre-natal surgeon though? It was unbearably stressful and occasionally heartbreaking. Performing open heart surgery on a 1 year old is probably the most traumatic experience Gabriel had ever encountered, even when surgeries of that capacity were successful.

When Cas turned eighteen and went to college they both go out. Gabe had been miserable working under his father and older brother and Cas was finally able to get away, so he no longer felt the need to stay where he was. So, he left. Gabe traveled a lot. He took a vacation in Australia and took different jobs at different hospitals in different states, but he was bored with it. He was tired of the stress that his job put on him, so he stopped. He moved to Kansas and took the first job that he found, a desk jockey at an auto shop in Lawrence. His boss, a surely bearded man in a trucker hat, Bobby Singer, didn't even believe that he was seriously applying for the job at first.

Getting that job changed Gabe's life.

-x-

The first Winchester Gabe met was Dean. It was his second day at work and a quiet, angry looking, mechanic was walking around the shop doing everything Gabriel was told only Bobby could do. Finally, Gabe tried to confront the man but when he tapped the tall mechanic on the shoulder the man was startled so violently that he punched Gabe right in the face and knocked him out cold.

When he woke up he was lying on a cot in Bobby's office. When his vision cleared he saw the mechanic that had knocked him out sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the room with his head in his hands. When he sat up the cot creaked, and his assaulter jumped a little.

"Hey man, I don't know what this is, like if you paid Bobby off so you could finish beating the shit out of me or whatever, but how about we just not hit me anymore?" Gabe asked nervously.

"Paid Bobby off—?" The mechanic shook his head, "I'm not gonna hit you anymore. Or ever again, I hope."

"Then what the fuck is going on?" Gabe grumbled sitting up too fast and getting dizzy, "I'm pretty sure I have a concussion and I'm really fucking confused."

"I'm sorry I punched you," the mechanic all but whispered.

Gabe looked up to find that this guy trying to hold back tears.

"Hey—" Gabe began but the mechanic shook his head.

"Let me explain."

Gabe nodded for him to continue.

"My name's Dean," he pointed to the name tag on his chest that was underneath the 'assistant manager' tag.  _That's why he was doing all that shit_ , Gabe thought.

"Hiya Deano, I'm Gabe."

Dean half smiled.

"I'm sorry I hit you. I never  _used_ to hit people. I just got back from my second tour in Afghanistan a couple weeks ago. I'm a little jumpy," Gabe watched him pinch the bridge of his nose and take a deep breath, "I don't normally talk about this to people, especially people I don't know, but I knocked you out, so I figured I'd apologize and explain a little."

Gabe's eyebrows lifted a little, "Okay."

"I'm usually a pretty nice guy. I'm just having a tough time…adjusting to civilian life again."

Gabe watched Dean rub his dog tags between his fingers.

"Alrighty, so no more sneakin' up on the assistant boss. Got it."

"Seriously? You're not mad?"

Gabe shrugged, "No way. It's not your fault Deano, shit happens. Life goes on."

"Oh, okay. Thanks," Dean scratched the back of his neck, "You uh, wanna get a beer with me and some of the guys after work?"

Gabriel grinned, "Fuck yeah."

And that was it. The guy who punched him in the face was now his best friend.

-x-

In true Winchester fashion, Gabriel was introduced to his loving boyfriend of almost three years, in an unfortunately analogous way to how he'd met Dean.

It'd been a little over a month since Dean had knocked Gabe clean out and their friendship had blossomed into an interesting one. Gabe loved hanging out with the grumpy mechanic. He liked making the marine laugh and they had a good time at the bar or playing cards and they always ate lunch together at work. It was nice to have someone who didn't treat him like a stranger.

Dean had made the mistake of telling Gabe where he kept his spare house key, (under the dead plant on the front porch), and Gabe had since taken advantage of said knowledge. After the third time Gabriel had bravely entered Dean's house unannounced (he only almost got his head shot off once) they had sort of gotten used to a routine. Gabe started announcing himself loudly as he was entering as to not risk any more bodily harm.

Gabe had an arm full of Wayback burgers when he unlocked Dean's front door and stepped inside.

"DEANO, BURGERS ON ME, WHERE YOU AT?"

"LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT GABE."

Gabe ignored him and made his way to the kitchen to find Dean stitching up a younger man who was sitting on Dean's kitchen table.

The young man was shirtless, had floppy hair, and had immediately caught Gabriel's attention. There was a gash on his shoulder and his eyes were hazel.

"Okay, whoa," Gabe set the burgers down and waved his hands for Dean's attention, "Dean, what the fuck is going on here?"

"What's it look like?"

"Ow Dean, easy," the young guy grumbled.

"Why aren't you taking him to a hospital?!"

Dean and the young man both looked directly at him, "We don't do hospitals."

Gabriel sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Okay fine," he pushed up his sleeves and walked over to them, "Get out of the way."

"What?" Dean almost laughed, "Shove off Gabe, you're not stitching up my kid brother. I know what I'm doing."

"I'm sure you do Deano, I don't doubt that for a second, but I can do it better," Dean snorted, "I'm fucking serious Dean, get out of the way."

Dean frowned at him for a moment before moving aside.

Gabriel took the needle and thread in hand and began to quickly and expertly stitch up the wound.

"So, you're Dean's brother Sam?"

"Uh, yeah," Sam winced a little but was more curious than anything when he looked down at Gabriel.

"Nice to meet yah, I'm Gabe. Deano's friend from work."

"Nice to meet you too. Umm, Dean's mentioned you, I guess."

"How'd you manage this?" Gabe asked, gesturing to the cut on the guy's shoulder.

"Tripped and went through a window."

Gabe cackled, "Seriously?"

"Yeah," Dean interrupted, "And now there's a big ass sasquatch sized hole in the garage door's window."

"It wasn't my fault Dean, you left your stupid tool box in front of the garage and I didn't see it."

"Alright you're done," Gabe snipped the thread and wiped the wound with the wet cloth that was in the bucket of warm water next to Sam.

"How'd you do that so fast?" Dean asked inspecting his stitch work, "This is some expert shit, Gabe."

"I used to be a doctor," Gabe said nonchalant and grabbed the burgers. He cut his in half and handed half to Sam. They both looked at him like he had six heads.

"Used to be a doctor?" Sam asked, "Used to be?"

"A surgeon actually," Gabe said with a mouthful of burger, "Pre-natal. Stressful shit, gave it up."

Dean shook his head fondly and unwrapped the burger Gabe had brought him. Sam looked at him in awe for a moment before eating the half of a burger Gabe had handed him.

"Thank you," he said between bites, "For the wound care and the burger."

Gabe nodded, "No problemo."

While they ate Sam put a shirt on to Gabe's dismay, and badgered Dean about therapy and gabbed at Dean about finding a job at the local law firm and the show he had watched on National Geographic the night before. Dean just listened. Gabe listened too. By the end of lunch, he thought Sam was beautiful  _and_ smart, not to mention adorable.

Sam stood up off the kitchen table then to toss out the trash from the burgers and give Dean a hug goodbye. Gabe had never met anyone so tall in his entire life.

"Thanks again Gabe," Sam said with a wave.

"Here to help," Gabe winked, "Wash it every day and let me know when it starts to itch. See ya around Samsquatch."

Sam cocked an eyebrow at the nickname but said nothing as he left.

"I'm gonna ask _him_ on a date." Gabe said matter-of-factly as he and Dean entered the living room.

"Whatever man, if you're into that yeti, go for it. I ain't gonna stop yah."

-x-

Now here he was. Almost three years in with Sam Winchester and they were moving in together. Gabe was in love and he was really god damn happy about it.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Heavy implications of depression, peer pressure, and self harm

"You're amazing, Castiel Novak."

Dean whispered, pulling his lips away from Castiel's jaw, causing a small shiver to run down Castiel's thigh. He wanted this. He needed this. He had been dreaming of this since the first time he saw Dean without a shirt on.

Castiel watched as Dean slowly removed his shirt, his arms crossing over themselves as he pulled the fabric up and over his head.

_"Baby please, I don't want to do it tonight."_

_"Oh, come on Cassie, baby, don't be like that. You said that last night too." A sloppy kiss was pressed to Castiel's neck and it made him flinch._

_"Just relax baby…"_

"Cas?"

Castiel blinked a couple times, trying to push through the haze that covered his eyes and mind. When his vision focused, he saw Dean sitting by his side, a concerned look in his beautiful eyes. "Cas, babe, are you alright?" Dean reached to caress Castiel's face.

_Whack!_

Before Castiel even knew what was happening, his hand reached out and smacked Dean's hand away from his face. Realization set in as hurt settled on Dean's face and Castiel reached for Dean's hands, clutching them tightly.

"Dean, I am  _so_  sorry, I didn't mean to- "

Castiel cut himself off with a sob he didn't realize he was holding back. He realized that he had tears streaming down his face, which was probably the cause of Dean's concern. Castiel took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second.

"I want this, Dean. I want  _you_."

Castiel opened his eyes and squeezed Dean's hand tighter.

"But I want you when I'm not making a rash decision. I don't want our first time to stained with regret, and if I have sex with you right now, it will be."

Castiel's hand left Dean's and rested on Dean's neck, rubbing his thumb in small circles. "I hope you can forgive me." Castiel whispered. Dean responded by leaning forward and capturing Castiel's lips in a slow kiss. "I can't be mad at you Cas. Of course, I can forgive you. I would look like a real asshole if I couldn't after you handled my situation last night."

Castiel laughed quietly. "Has it really only been a day? It feels like an eternity." Dean smiled and captured Castiel's lips again before lacing their fingers together and putting it to his bare chest, over his heart.

"Can you feel that?"

Castiel could feel the hammering beneath Dean's hot skin and he nodded slowly.

"It's beating for you Cas. Every breath you take, every move you make, every time your eyes meet mine, it pounds. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and yet, every time I look at you, I feel this way. Feel my heart beat, know that I'm here, know that I'm  _real_."

Castiel felt tears well in his eyes again and held his hand there, even when Dean removed his hand. A few moments of silence passed before Castiel moved his hand down Dean's chest before coming back up, making Dean shiver slightly at the coldness of Castiel's hand. He rubbed small circles around the bullet scars before feeling every part of Dean's skin, almost trying to commit it to memory. Castiel felt Dean's fingers ghost at the hem of his shirt, slipping underneath to stroke Castiel's skin. Castiel allowed Dean to take his shirt off slowly before being pushed gently back against the bed.

Castiel reached down and finished pulling off Dean's pants, running his hand up the hard muscle; it wasn't anything sexual, more like he just wanted to be as close as he could to Dean. Dean ghosted his lips over Castiel's shoulders and Castiel tilted his neck to allow dean more room before running his hand flat against Dean's back slowly. Dean unbuttoned Castiel's jeans and pulled them off before pressing a kiss to the inside of Castiel's thighs, making Castiel shiver slightly.

Dean crawled back up to Castiel, kissing his jaw before hovering inches away from Castiel's lips.

"I love you."

Dean whispered, looking at Castiel's lips before looking into his eyes. Castiel smiled and rubbed his thumb over Dean's bottom lip gently before pulling Dean closer and pressing his lips to Dean's.

They fell asleep, their legs intertwined, hands resting on each other's bodies.

**x.x.x**

Castiel knocked on Gabriel's door, shoving his hands into his pockets as he waited. Gabriel answered the door only a second later with a smile on his face. "Cas! What's up?"

"Can we talk?"

Gabriel nodded and opened the door to allow Castiel inside. "Everything okay Cassie?" Gabriel asked, concern filtering in his voice. Castiel gave a pointed look to his brother but didn't comment on the nickname; instead, he ran a hand through his short hair as he sat down on the couch.

"I mean, I think so. There's just been so much shit lately, and I feel a little overwhelmed."

Gabriel sat across from Castiel, linking his fingers together. "Come on Cas, you know what your therapist told us; when you feel overwhelmed, you have to talk me through it. What's going on?" Castiel took a deep breath and looked up at Gabriel, guilt settling on his heart. He hated making his brother concerned for him, and by him not talking to his older brother, of course he was a little mad.

Especially with what Castiel must tell him.

"Before I begin, promise me you won't get mad."

"You know I can't promise that."

Castiel raised his eyebrows slightly as he nodded. "Right, well at least try." Castiel took a deep breath again, trying to calm his racing heart.

"Cassie, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not going to love you any less, and I'm not going to hurt you in any way. Do you believe me?"

Castiel swallowed harshly before nodding slowly. "I love you Castiel. I'm not going to push you into doing anything you don't want to do." Castiel wiped his eyes and nodded again.

"Thank you, Gabe. You know I really appreciate you, and everything you've done for me." Gabriel smiled and stood to his feet before sitting down next to Castiel. Castiel immediately put his head on Gabriel's shoulder, already feeling comforted by the presence of his older brother.

Silence fell over the two brothers as Gabriel rubbed Castiel's shoulder gently. "I almost had sex with Dean." Castiel said quietly, breaking the silence. Gabriel's hand paused on his shoulder and Castiel could feel Gabriel tense up slightly.

"Almost?"

Castiel nodded. "I ended up not being able to, because I had a flashback again. Of… Him." Castiel didn't have to look up to see Gabriel tense up. His hand paused on Castiel's shoulder before rubbing it harder. "He can't hurt you anymore Cas. You know that right?"

"Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean that I don't freak out about him Gabe. I wish I could just forget him. I wish that he never came into my life. I wish that I could just love Dean with no fear, no regret, no holding back. I wish that I wasn't so messed up."

Castiel didn't notice that he had started crying until he realized his hand was wet; and suddenly, nothing could stop. He was sobbing, darkness threatening to consume him as those voices he normally kept back started shouting, screaming, until they filled Castiel's ears with a loud ring. It was quiet, but it was so loud, and suddenly Castiel wanted nothing more than to stop everything, stop breathing, stop feeling.

"CAS!"

Castiel jerked up at the loud roar of his name and saw Gabriel sitting in front of him, anger on his face but fear in his eyes. Light gradually came back into Castiel's vision and the voices quieted once again, until Castiel realized he was sitting on the couch in Gabriel's living room and not floating in nothingness.

"Come back Castiel, breathe, fucking  _breathe_  god damn it!"

Gabriel frantically yelled, his grip too tight on Castiel's shoulders as he shook him. Tears were brimming in Gabriel's eyes, threatening to spill over and his hands were shaking slightly as his nails dug into Castiel's skin.

Castiel blinked a couple times before taking a deep breath, allowing Gabriel's counting to guide him.

"….8….9…10…. exhale…1…2…3…"

Castiel repeated this a couple times until his heartbeat evened out and the ringing in his ears faded away into nothing. Once Gabriel was satisfied that Castiel was calm now, he took Castiel into his arms and squeezed him tightly. Castiel relaxed into the embrace and started crying silently again when he felt Gabriel's quiet sobs.

The two brothers held each other, quietly crying until the tears faded away and soft breathing took their place. Though the two had stopped crying long ago, they still held each other, taking comfort in each other's heat and presence. Gabriel hung tightly onto Castiel, his body still trembling slightly though his breaths were calm and even.

After a moment or two Castiel leaned back slightly, a tear falling from his eye again. "I-I'm sorry Gabe, I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean- "

"Shh Cassie, it's okay, it's okay. I know, I know."

Gabriel interrupted, pushing the damp hair away from Castiel's forehead. Castiel began crying again as Gabriel kissed his forehead, his eyes screwed tightly shut to keep back his own second round of tears. Castiel felt awful, about himself, the situation, what had happened.

"Can I stay the night?"

Castiel whispered, his voice breaking slightly. Gabriel only held him tighter.

Castiel fell asleep in Gabriel's arms.

**x.x.x**

Castiel awoke in the middle of the night, too hot and dying to pee. He untangled himself from Gabriel's arms and legs and walked to the bathroom, blurry eyed and yawning. He did his business and went to wash his hands before he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Castiel paused, turning off the water and drying his hands, his eyes never leaving his reflection.

A hand reached up to touch his face, tracing along the soft jawline, his thumb reaching the middle of his bottom lip. It was too plump, too red against the paleness of his skin. His eyes, though a stunning blue, were too soft, too rounded. His hand reached down to his throat. His skin was too soft, the absence of an Adam's apple too apparent. Castiel slowly removed his shirt and put it on the counter next to him, his eyes staring at his chest.

Castiel never slept with a binder on because 1) it was uncomfortable and 2) extremely unhealthy, but in this moment, he wished for nothing more than to go back to Gabriel's room and put it on.

His breasts, plump and round, looked like someone else's. Like someone had taken his head and put it on some random woman's body. His waist was too curvy, too much like an hour glass. Castiel reached up and took his breasts into his hand, pulling them as far apart as he could before it started to really hurt. He tried flattering them until his fingertips were red and his skin white. Castiel let go when he couldn't stand the pain anymore, his eyes staring at the red hand marks left behind. His hands curled into fists, his nails biting into his skin as he stared at his reflection. Those damn voices were talking again, whispering, threatening to get louder and louder-

"Cas? What are you doing?"

Gabriel's sleepy voice broke through the small crack in the bathroom, reminding Castiel that he hadn't shut the door all the way.

"I was using the bathroom."

Castiel whispered back, keeping his eyes trained on that door.

"Well come back to bed. You've been in there forever."

Gabriel complained, making Castiel smile, despite his terrible mood. "Okay Gabe, you head back first, I'll just be a second."

Castiel waited until he couldn't hear Gabriel's grumbling anymore before turning back to the mirror. He stared at himself for a moment longer, staring at the scars that littered his breasts. He touched one gently, letting out a small laugh; how cowardly of him. He picked up his shirt and slipped it back on before shutting off the light, allowing darkness to consume him.


	11. Sam

Sam thought of himself as a smart guy.

He did, after all, graduate top of his class in high school and in college, which was no easy feat, mind you. Mostly because stupid fucking Kevin Tran almost beat him for number one in high school, but that's beside the point. Sam also did get into a very prestigious college where he was originally studying law, but soon found that it was absolutely dreadful. He then transferred to a less prestigious but in no way less better college to become a grade school teacher, which he loved.

So, he was very smart.

Then why was he so dumb?

The question flittered in Sam's mind as he stared at Castiel, who was reading a newspaper on his bed, quietly sipping his cup of tea. Sam watched, curious, as Castiel pushed his glasses back up on his nose, his eyebrow furrowed slightly in irritation.

"Sam, why are you staring at me?"

Castiel suddenly asked, making Sam jump slightly. He felt guilty for being caught staring, but he just had to ask.

"Are you a man?"

Castiel flinched, just slightly that Sam thought he had imagined it. Castiel let out a quiet sigh and put his newspaper down before taking his glasses off, rubbing the lens with the hem of his t-shirt.

"Yes, Sam. I am a man."

"Then why don't you have an Adam's apple?"

Castiel flinched again, this time Sam was hyper aware of it. Castiel slung his legs over the side of his bed, bracing his hands on the edge as he stared into Sam's eyes. They were going to have this conversation, the conversation that probably should've been had the first time they met, when they moved into the dorms.

"I'm transgender."

"What does that have to do with having an Adam's apple?"

Castiel could almost smile. "I was born a woman, Sam, but I am a man. I don't have the proper anatomy for an Adam's apple."

"Oh."

Sam thought for a moment. "I'm gay." Sam said after a moment, tension hanging in the room. Why he felt the need to blurt this out, when he had barely even said it to himself was beyond him; maybe it was because Castiel just told him a deep part of himself and he felt the need to reciprocate.

"So am I."

Castiel said easily, the tension in the room diffusing easily. Maybe it was only tense to Sam. Sam smiled, making Castiel smile as well. Castiel pulled himself back onto his bed, grabbing his newspaper and opening it again.

"Hey Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you make me another cup of tea?"

From that moment on, they were the best of friends.


	12. Chapter 10

"You alright, boy?" Bobby asked him after he filed his latest customer's check into Bobby's weird filing system.

"M'fine," he grumbled and went in search for another car that needed fixing, preferably one  _away_  from everyone.

Bobby was the  _third_  person to ask him if he was alright. He'd shrugged at Benny and snapped much too harshly at Garth and made a mental note to apologize later that day.

It was Monday afternoon. Dean hadn't seen or heard from Cas since yesterday morning when the younger man had shyly left Dean's home with a kiss to the Winchester's cheek. Dean had thought their date went well, even though Cas had a small incident. Dean was no stranger to flashbacks and tried to be as comforting as he could. He hadn't pried into Cas' past, he knew the blue-eyed boy would tell him when he was ready, Dean certainly hadn't been Saturday night when Cas had felt the scar on his hip.

He'd sent three text messages. One Sunday afternoon to check in with Cas, one Sunday night asking if everything was okay, and one this morning gently voicing that he was worried. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to seem clingy, but he couldn't just keep his worry locked up inside of him. He cared too much.

Yesterday when he'd had dinner with Sam his little brother had suggested giving Cas some space which is what he was trying to do but he couldn't take it anymore.

"Fuck it," he grunted, stood up from the car he was underneath and went in search of the older Novak that he'd been avoiding all morning.

Gabriel was sitting at the front desk with his feet up and a lollipop in his mouth.

"Hey Deano, where ya been all day?" Gabe put his feet down and removed the lollipop from his mouth when he saw the distraught look on his friend's face, "Dean?"

"Is Cas alright?"

Realization flooded Gabriel's features, "He's okay."

The tension in Dean's shoulders immediately relaxed, "Good, uh good."

"Dean tell me what's going on."

"I was just a little worried Gabe, that's all," Dean said quietly, and Gabriel raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue, "I thought Cas and I had a really great time Saturday night besides the flashback thing. But I  _understand_  the flashback thing, and I thought I'd been nice about it. I comforted him, but I didn't pry, yah know? And he was quiet yesterday morning when he left my place and then I just haven't heard from him since. I've sent a couple texts, but I didn't wanna come off as clingy and I just,"

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I just needed to know that he was alright."

Gabe smiled at him, "You're a good bean Deano, yah know that?"

"Excuse me?"

"Sometimes when Cas gets like this he needs a little space and he turns his phone off," Gabriel plucked something off his belt and held it up for Dean to see. It was a walkie talkie, "Cas has the other one. This way when his phone's off because he doesn't want people to call him I can still reach out in case of emergencies."

The auto shop's desk jockey held it out for him.

"Why are you giving it to me?" Dean asked.

Gabe rolled his eyes, "So you can talk to him you great bafoon. He might not answer but let him know you're there for him. He'll appreciate it."

Dean took the walkie talkie from his friend and went into a back room where it was quiet. He held down the side button and it crackled to life. Clearing his throat, he held it close to his mouth,

"Heya Cas, it's Dean."

There was no response, so he continued, "Gabe gave me this because I was worried when I uh, hadn't heard from you. I just wanted to know if you were okay, and I kinda sound like a weird clingy person but I swear I'm not trying to. I had an amazing time on Saturday night and I wanted you to know that uh, I get it. I understand what it's like to have your past come back and scare you and uh, I'm here if you need me."

He let out a long shaky breath when he finished and realized he hadn't let go of the button. He released the button and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand.  _Stupid_ , he thought,  _Cas doesn't need to hear how messed up you feel about this. Breathing into the walkie talkie like a motherfuc—_ the walkie talkie crackled to life in his hand again.

 _"Dean?"_ Cas' voice asked quietly.

"Yeah Cas, I'm here."

_"Can you come home?"_

Dean tensed and didn't even think about it when he answered, special ops brain taking over like he had some sort of top secret mission to complete, "I'll be right there."

He rushed out of the back room and tossed the walkie talkie at Gabriel.

"Tell Bobby I clocked out early."

He was in the impala and pulling out of the auto shop's driveway before Gabriel could say anything.

Pulling into his open garage he looked out the driver's side window to see Cas sitting on his front porch steps. The smaller man didn't get up when he saw Dean coming up the walk so Dean sat next to him on the steps.

Before he could even speak Cas was reaching for him and folded into him like a tiny paper crane.

"Hey, Cas, it's okay," Dean whispered wrapping his arms around Cas' small frame and holding him against his chest.

Cas chuckled wetly, Dean could feel tears seeping through his coveralls, "I didn't even say anything and your telling me its okay."

Dean smiled into Cas' hair, "You don't have to say anything Cas, you don't need to explain anything to me. I just wanted to know that you were okay."

A quiet sob came out of Cas and he leaned back to look up at Dean, "I'm sorry I've shut you out the past couple days, Dean. I just need some time to think and—,"

"Cas you don't need to make excuses—,"

Cas cut him off right after he cut him off, "I do, a little. I should have told you that I needed time to myself so that you wouldn't worry. But um, thank you, for worrying."

Dean furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at the man in his arms, "Why wouldn't I worry? I care about you, of course I'd worry."

He knew he'd told Cas he loved him Saturday night. And he did,  _he did_. Despite the short amount of time they'd spent together Dean cared deeply for this man. He loved Cas and he was sure that he was quickly falling  _in love_  with him. He didn't want to bring that up now though, not when Cas was struggling with so many other feelings.

"I guess I'm just not used to it coming from people who aren't Gabriel," Cas said into his chest, "I wasn't in the best relationship before I moved here, hence the flashback."

"You don't have to tell me right now Cas," Dean said. He was now rubbing circles into Cas' back to slow the man's breathing and he could feel Cas' heart speed up.

"You can tell me when you're ready," Dean bit his lip for a second, "I know our flashbacks are probably drastically different, but I still understand. I know what it's like to have your past haunt you even when you feel like you should be better because you're not there anymore. When I first came home I wouldn't even talk to Sammy about it."

Cas raised his eyebrows, "Really? I tell Gabriel everything."

Fiddling with the hair on the nape of Cas' neck he looked to his feet and shrugged, "I know that I can tell Sam things now, I know that opening up helps but at the time? I could barely think about some of the things I went through. I was having flashbacks so often that sometimes I wasn't sure what was real or not,  _but_  Sammy was there for me, and Bobby and Ellen, and eventually I started to get better. Gabriel helped a lot too."

"And you see Missouri," Cas added thinking.

Dean nodded, "I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her," he said honestly, "She's helped me so much. Helped me see that I'm not alone and that it's okay to forgive myself. I'm still getting there, don't get me wrong, I've still got my fair share of issues, but things are getting better."

"You can…" Cas had grabbed Dean's hand and was now tracing circles on his pal with his finger, "You can talk to me if you ever feel like you need to."

Dean couldn't help but smile. Pulling back a little he leaned down to kiss Cas on the lips. It was a sweet kiss, a thank you kiss.

"That's good to know Cas, thank you." He kissed the blue-eyed boy on the forehead and wrapped his arms around him again, "I don't understand everything that you're going through but when you're ready you can tell me. Try to explain it to me. Just know that no matter what you've been through I will never think of you differently, I will  _not_  judge you."

"The same goes for you Dean," Cas lifted Dean's hand to kiss it, "I have no clue what you've gone through and I know I'll never be able to understand it but I'm here and you won't change how I feel about you."

Dean's heart broke a little when Cas said this. Cas didn't know what he'd done. Sam knew but he was Dean's brother it was different. He wasn't sure if he could tell anyone what he'd done while he was deployed without seeing judgement in their face.

"Than—," Dean cleared his throat, "Thank you, Cas."

They sat there holding each other until the sun started to go down.

"Do you wanna come inside Cas?"

Cas shook his head, "No thanks. I think I'm gonna go home and get some correcting done for tomorrow, I've let some of the kid's homework build up a little."

He pulled Cas to his feet, "Okay. Let me know if you need anything okay? Even if you just wanna make out on the couch for a little bit."

Dean waggled his eyebrows and received the most adorable giggle he'd ever heard in his entire life.

"I'll definitely take you up on it if I finish early."

Cas stood on his tip toes so that Dean didn't have to bend over very far and gave him a firm kiss on the mouth before walking next door. He waved at Dean before he entered his home and then disappeared inside.

Dean rubbed a hand down his face and went inside. He was too mentally exhausted to make dinner or work out, so he ordered a pizza and kicked his boots off before flopping on the couch and putting Die Hard on the tv.

He'd seen the movie so many times that at this point it was just background noise while he stared at his ceiling fan moving slowly in a circle and got lost in his thoughts.

He thought about Andy.

Andy and Dean had been through more together than anyone else in their troop. They'd done both of their tours together. Andy had saved Dean more times than he could count, and Dean had done the same for him. No one had ever had his back the way Andy did.

Andy was also the first-person Dean had ever been in love with, and the guy had had no idea…and Dean never got to tell him how he felt. He'd always felt like he couldn't, DADT was still in place and the risk of being outed and shamed for who he was had scared him.

And then Andy's Humvee drove over an IED and Dean watched him die from the jeep behind them. Dean had watched his best friend, that he was  _in love_  with die and he couldn't do anything to save him.

Of all the things that Dean had done overseas that he regretted there was nothing that he regretted more then not telling his best friend how he really felt.  _That_  is why he told Cas that he loved him Saturday night. Dean had been in love before and he recognized the familiar feeling in his chest, he wasn't about to wait to express his feelings, not after what happened the first time.

Andy would want him to. He had no idea if Andy returned his feelings or not, but his friend would want him to do what feels right and he would want him to get better. He was trying.

The lock on the front door turned and he sat up stiffly when he heard the sound. There were only a select few that knew where Dean kept his spare key. Rubbing a hand down his face to wipe some of the tiredness from his face he realized he'd been crying. Quickly he rubbed the dried tears from his cheeks and relaxed back into the couch. The movie was almost over and he'd only drank half of his beer, the pizza box on the coffee table was open, there was only one triangle missing. Sam and Gabriel walked in just as he was grabbing a second slice.

"Heya Sammy, Gabe, you wanna slice?"

Sam shook his head, "No thanks, we just ate over at the Roadhouse."

Gabriel rolled his eyes and snagged a slice from the box, "Speak for yourself Samsquatch."

Dean snorted, "What're you guys doin here? Not that I mind."

"I just wanted to grab the last of my boxes, get them out of your way."

"Sam, weren't there less boxes last time we were here?" Gabriel asked gesturing with his pizza to the other side of the living room.

"Oh yeah, uh most of those are mine actually," Dean said clearing his throat, "Sammy yours are in your room."

"You displayed some of your stuff," Sam practically whispered.

Dean just shrugged, "I thought it was time."

"I didn't know you were decorated, Deano!" Gabe said and walked towards his medals to get a closer look. The two purple hearts and the silver star sat there in their boxes next to the photos of Dean and Andy and the rest of their troop.

Gabriel went quiet and raised his eyebrows, "Dean, you were awarded the silver star?"

Dean tensed for a moment, waiting for the uncomfortable feeling that normal crept up on him when other people asked him about his military career, but it didn't come. Sure, it was still hard to think about but he wasn't descending into a panic attack so that was something.

"Uh yeah, I was."

He could feel the pride emanating from Sam who was standing behind him.

"That's pretty amazing, Deano" was all Gabe said.

Dean had never been so grateful that his friend wasn't one to pry. Sam wasn't either and Dean knew it was killing Sam to ask about it. Sam knew about Dean's medals, but Dean had never really been able to talk about how he received the silver star.

"Thanks Gabe," Dean cleared his throat and pointed at the purple heart medal, "I was shot in the shoulder during my first tour and then in my second tour I was too close to an IED that exploded and caught some shrapnel in the chest."

He'd never told anyone but family that…accept he had. He'd told Cas and now he was telling Gabriel. He was making progress, it made him smile a little. Dean tugged his shirt off and showed his friend, "The little sucker that shot me didn't make it half a foot before I capped him," Dean grinned.

Gabriel cackled and sat on the couch, Sam sat down next to him and Dean found himself launching into the story. He had never been able to talk about his deployment like this with anyone who hadn't been there with him. It was nice.

Things were really nice.


	13. Gabe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This blurb takes place on the first date Sam and Gabe ever had. Enjoy!

Gabriel was sitting across from, hands down, the most handsome, tall drink of moose that he had ever had the pleasure of looking at. Sam Winchester had said yes to to Gabriel's extravagantly romantic proposition for a coffee date at his favorite bakery and now they were on that date.

_Three days ago:_

Gabe pulled into Dean's driveway right behind the older Winchester. They'd just gotten out of work and Gabriel had asked if his friend if he could tag along.

"So, uh, is Sam home?" Gabriel asked as they walked up Dean's porch steps.

Dean shrugged, opening the door with his keys and walking into the house. "I dunno. Sometimes he's home, sometimes he's at the library getting work done."

"Oh yeah. He's in school, right?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, Gabe. You knew that."

"Yeah, sorry."

Dean watched him rub his hands onto his jeans and looked around Dean's front hallway. They hadn't gone inside yet, mostly because Gabriel was acting weird and he was was pretty sure Dean was about to call him out on it.

"Gabe, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you being so weird?"

_And there it was._

Gabe looked at his shoes. "Remember when I asked you if I could ask your brother on a date?"

"Yes..."

"Well, I was hoping to do said asking today."

Dean chuckled and shook his head before walking into his living room. Gabe followed quickly behind and then jumped out of his skin when Dean screamed into his house as he grabbed a beer.

"SAMMAY! YOU HOME?!"

Gabe grabbed the beer Dean handed him forcefully and squinted at his friend.

"Seriously, Deano-"

"YEAH, I'M HOME, WHY ARE WE YELLING!?" Sam yelled back from somewhere in the house.

"Yeah Deano, why are we yelling?" Gabriel asked as Sam walked into the living room.

"Oh, hi Gabe."

"Hiya Sam."

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically, causing Sam to furrow his eyebrows and Gabriel to scowl at him.

"Gabe wants to ask you something."

Gabriel proceeded to choke on the sip of beer he was trying to swallow before his scowl deepened.

"Come on Deano, you ruined it. I had a plan and you fowled it up."

"Well so-rry, you didn't let me in on the plan so that's on you."

"Hey guys?" Sam said, looking at both of them, "Wanna let me in on what's going on or...?"

Dean rolled his eyes again and Gabe pulled something in a plastic wrapper from his pocket and unwrapped it.

"Is that a ring pop?" Dean asked with a laugh.

"Shut up." Gabe hissed before turning to Sam and getting down on one knee. "Will you, Samsquatch Winchester, go on a date with me?"

He could hear Dean trying to hold in his laughter, and Sam smiled big and wide. The younger Winchester looked at Dean over Gabe's shoulder; Gabe wasn't sure what they were telling each other telepathically, but whatever it was worked in his favor.

"Uh, yeah, Gabe. I'd love to."

Sam reached down to take the ring pop from Gabriel's hand before slipping it on his finger and popping it into his mouth.

"Mmm, grape. My favorite."

_Now:_

"What?"

Gabriel came out of his small reverie and blinked. He'd been staring at the younger Winchester without blinking for longer than socially acceptable.

"Sorry, what what?" He replied with a sheepish grin.

Sam chuckled and took a sip of coffee. "You were staring, a little."

"Oh, yeah. Well, you are a handsome one," Gabriel received a blush from those words. "I was thinking about when I asked you out."

"Yeah? It was a pretty tasty ring pop."

Gabriel laughed and took a bite out of his strawberry rhubarb pie, "Whsydiyoigotouthmief?"

"Sorry, what?"

Swallowing, he tried again. "Why did you agree to go out with me anyways? Besides my charm and wit of course."

"Oh, of course," Sam grinned and then shrugged. "I dunno. Dean's probably a big reason why, to be honest."

"You wanna elaborate?"

Sam looked down at the cinnamon bun in his left hand. "Well, Dean told me he'd met the new guy at work and that they'd been hanging out, which was so great because he's been so closed off since he got home from his second tour. I've been worried about him. Then, after I fell through the garage door window and you barged in and stitched me up? I dunno, it just stuck with me."

"I'm memorable I know." Gabe smirked.

Sam rolled his eyes and continued. " _Anyways,_  I was intrigued. This handsome, mischievous, surgeon turned desk jockey that dealt with my hard-headed older brother like he was a nine-year-old had just sewn me up. I asked Dean about you, and he, I quote, said:  _that little runt's a good guy, believe it or not. Better snag'im while you can Sammy, god knows you need someone to yank that stick out of your ass._ "

Gabriel cackled. "Deano, said that?"

He wasn't surprised by Dean's brash words but was touched that he didn't tell Sam that he had planned on asking him out, but instead acted as his (gruff) wing man.

"Yeah, he did."

"So, you said yes because Dean told you to go for it?"

Sam reached across the table to hold Gabe's hand. "In a sense, yes. Dean has never been a fan of anyone that has wanted to be with me romantically. He's incredibly protective, even more so since he's been back. Aside from his protectiveness, there isn't anyone I know that is a better judge of character than Dean, so when when he told me to go for it, I figured you must be pretty special."

"Well," Gabriel said blushing himself and fiddling with Sam's long fingers, "Was he right?"

Sam smiled. "I think so."


	14. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Smut, mentions of physical and sexual abuse

That night, Castiel laid awake.

He was tired; god, he was so very tired; and yet, he couldn't sleep. He kept tossing and turning, every time he shut his eyes he could see  _Him_ , could feel His fingertips on his skin, as unwelcomed as the first time they touched him. Castiel wanted to scream; it was so late, he was so tired, and yet, here he was, awake, desperate for sleep, desperate for anything to get his mind off of things. Castiel sat up in bed.

Dean.

Castiel quickly tugged on his binder and slipped his shoes on before leaving his apartment, locking the door behind him as he quickly went next door. He wasn't sure if Dean would even be awake, but he had to try. Castiel walked up to the front door and paused for a moment, staring at the oak door. Was this a good idea? Was he making a mistake?

_"Cassey Baby, just do this..."_

Castiel quickly hit the doorbell, hearing it ring throughout the house. He waited a couple seconds before pushing it again, soon pounding his small fist against the door as hard as he could. He needed to see Dean, he needed it right now. Castiel pushed the doorbell twice before knocking again, feeling a sob build up in his chest.

"What the hell do you wa-"

Castiel cut off a tired, irritated Dean as he opened the door by rushing forward and bringing their lips together. It was a desperate kiss, one that begged for... for what, Castiel wasn't entirely sure. He just knew he needed something, but what, he didn't know. Dean's hands rested on Castiel's waist as Castiel kissed him harshly, opening Dean's mouth and pushing his tongue inside the warmth. Dean pulled Castiel inside the house and shut the door behind him before pushing Castiel against the door. His thumbs pushed up Castiel's sleep shirt slightly, his fingers resting on Castiel's bare skin.

Castiel pulled away from the kiss to strip his shirt off, throwing it off to the side before rejoining their lips. Castiel quickly jumped up, Dean assisting him in wrapping his legs around Dean's waist as Castiel raked his fingernails down Dean's bare back gently.

"Cas, what-"

"Take me Dean Winchester. I want you to, I'm ready."

Castiel interrupted, bringing his hand back to Dean's jaw. Dean's emerald eyes searched Castiel's blue ones before nodding slowly, bringing their lips together again. Dean carried the both of them to his bedroom before throwing Castiel onto the bed, crawling up to Castiel's lips. "Are you sure about this Cas?" Dean whispered, staring into Castiel's eyes. Castiel reached up and stroked Dean's cheek with his thumb, swallowing harshly.

"I'm sure."

He whispered back, his thumb gently running over Dean's chapped bottom lip. Dean nodded again and leaned down to kiss him, his hand stroking Castiel's skin softly as his hand trailed down his waist and into his pajama pants. Dean pushed past Castiel's boxers and gently began rubbing him, swallowing Castiel's soft gasps in kisses. Dean soon pulled away from Castiel's lips and began kissing Castiel's neck, sucking a dark spot onto Castiel's neck.

Castiel pulled Dean away from his neck and kissed him as Dean slowly pushed a finger inside, whimpering quietly; it had been a long time since something like this happened, and while Castiel didn't want to stop, it was just something to get used to again. Castiel reached down and pushed his hand inside Dean's pajama pants and began stroking him as in time with Dean, both moaning against each other's mouths. After a while of preparation, Castiel pulled away from Dean's mouth.

"Do you have protection?"

He whispered, gasping quietly. Dean nodded and withdrew his fingers, leaning over to the bedside table. He opened the first drawer and pulled out a condom, opening it and tossing the wrapper onto the floor. Castiel sat up and pulled off his boxers and pants, Dean following suit before rolling the condom onto his dick with ease. Dean looked up and locked eyes with Castiel as though silently telling Castiel that he could still back out.

But Castiel didn't want to. There was nothing that felt more right, nothing that felt more sure than this. And well it came in the most... inconvenient of times, that didn't mean it wasn't there. Maybe Dean would understand, maybe Dean wouldn't, but none of that mattered at this second. Right now, all that mattered was Dean, was him, was them, in this moment.

Castiel nodded gently and laid back down as Dean ran a hand up Castiel's thigh, lining himself up. Dean slowly pushed himself inside, kissing Castiel to distract him. Castiel let out a soft moan in Dean's mouth, a hand threading through Dean's soft hair and pulling gently as Dean began to thrust slowly. Castiel soon pulled away from the kiss and tilted his head back as Dean thrusted slightly harder, pulling a little harder on Dean's hair.

Dean gripped Castiel's knee tightly, his other hand resting on Castiel's waist. Dean dropped his head onto Castiel's collarbones, his breath too hot on Castiel's skin, but Castiel wouldn't trade it for anything; not when it was for him as to why Dean was panting so hard.

It was the kind of sex where it wasn't about orgasms. It was about being close, as close to each other as they could be; about sharing comfort, sharing warmth, sharing desire. That was what Castiel realized he had wanted as Dean pushed inside him, his hot breath ghosting across Castiel's skin. A tear shed itself from Castiel's eyes, rolling down Castiel's temple.

"Dean,"

Castiel gasped, making Dean look up at him. Dean let go of Castiel's leg when he saw the tears in Castiel's eyes and gently stroked the one that had escaped away; he didn't stop in his movements though, so Castiel figured that Dean knew that the tears weren't because of him.

"I love you."

Castiel whispered, his voice barely audible as a small sob broke from his chest. Dean leaned down and gently pressed their lips together as they both finished.

**x.x.x**

"Castiel, why did you come over so late?"

Dean asks, his quiet voice barely breaking the silence that had filled the room. Castiel has his head tucked under Dean's jaw, one arm drawing faint circles on Dean's chest as Dean's fingers ghost slowly against Castiel's shoulder. Castiel doesn't answer for a bit, trying to figure out the best way to go about this conversation; he wasn't entirely sure he was ready for it.

"A few years ago, I was dating this guy. I fell so in love with him when we first met; he was everything I wasn't. Spontaneous, wild, down for anything that gave him an excuse to party. I was crazy about him. Well, after we started dating, he started to reveal his true self to me; he was an alcoholic, and had a lot of problems that he never dealt with."

Castiel could feel tears welling in his eyes at the thought, but pushed through it.

"He came home one night, drunk, and he... he hit me. He gave me a black eye. The day he apologized, begged me not to leave him, that he loved me, and that it would never happen again. And like an idiot, I believed him."

Castiel took a shaky breath.

"It wasn't the first time. He'd come home, and would hit me. But that's not all he would do. Sometimes he would... make me sleep with him. He never forced himself on me, but he wouldn't exactly let me say no either. This continued on for about two years, and I never said anything to Gabriel. It wasn't until one night, when he had gotten really drunk, that he threatened to kill me. I tried to leave him that night, and he told me that if I left he would kill me. He kept saying he wasn't gay, that he didn't like men, and that I should be grateful he even looked in my direction. He said that me being trans was all in my head, that I would come to my senses. When I tried to leave anyways, he forced me back inside the house and beat me. I went to Gabriel's house the next day and begged him to get me out of there, and he did. Gabriel protected me when I couldn't protect myself."

"I only found him and fell in love with him because my parents had just kicked me out of the house for being trans. They disowned me, and I was desperate for any kind of validation. It just so happened that he found me."

Castiel bit his lip to keep from crying. He had only escaped two years ago, and yet, sometimes Castiel kept looking over his shoulder to make sure He wasn't standing there.

"Castiel, I appreciate you telling me this, I really do, but what does it have to do with you coming over tonight?"

Castiel swallowed heavily and took a deep breath.

"I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about Him, and I needed a distraction."

Castiel leaned up so he could look Dean in the eye, to make sure that his intentions were clear. "I didn't come over to sleep with you Dean. You weren't my method of escaping him. I was just tired of being plagued by him. I'm tired of letting him ruin my life. I'm ready to start over, and I want to start over with you. I love you, Dean Winchester." Castiel gently touched Dean's cheek, his thumb rubbing Dean's cheek.

"I just want all of you."

Castiel whispered, staring deep into Dean's eyes. He was searching for something; anger, hate, betrayal. But he didn't find anything. Dean just tilted Castiel's chin down and kissed him softly. "Cas, I get it. I understand wanting to start over."

"Do you hate me?"

Castiel whispered, unspilt tears lining his eyes. Dean scoffs playfully and wipes at Castiel's eyes gently as a tear spills onto his cheek. "What? Baby, no, of course not. I love you Castiel, I just want all of you too. You have baggage; so do I. I'm more than willing to take yours on."

Castiel lets out a shaky laugh, leaning into Dean's hand. "Oh Dean Winchester; what did I ever do to deserve you?"

Dean smiles and pulls Castiel into a gentle kiss.

"Everything."


	15. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it’s been WAY too long since I updated this. I’ve been going through a lot of changes, especially with joining the military and I just haven’t been able to get myself to write. BUT, here I am! Finally! Enjoy !!

**So, it’s been WAY too long since I updated this.  I’ve been going through a lot of changes, especially with joining the military and I just haven’t been able to get myself to write.  BUT, here I am! Finally! Enjoy !!**

The next morning Dean was still full of emotions.  Cas had come over the night before, confessed his love, confessed about his past, bared his entire soul to Dean and then asked if Dean  _ hated _ him.  

It made him so  _ angry _ and so  _ sad _ to think that Cas would ever worry that he hated him.  He loved him after all and everything that Cas had been through was so incredibly unfair.  Dean had his own troubles and his own skeletons, but he’d chosen those things. He’d created that path, Cas hadn’t, Cas had just been looking to be loved and in turn got hatred.  

And now matter how much Dean believed that he didn’t deserve the love Cas gave him he would never stop giving Cas the love that he had inside him, because Cas really did deserve all of it.  

He was so caught up in his thoughts when he woke up that he didn’t realize Cas wasn’t in the bed next to him.  Pulling on some sweatpants he trudged sleepily into the kitchen to find Cas sitting at the kitchen table reading a book.  There was fresh coffee in the coffee pot. 

“Good morning,” Cas smiled.  

“Mornin’ handsome,” Dean returned the smile and grabbed a mug from the cupboard, “What’re you doing up?  You’re like the worst morning person I know.” 

Cas shrugged, “I woke up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep.”  

A comfortable silence fell over them while Dean poured his coffee and got a bowl of cereal.  Once he was seated and crunching on his cheerios Cas reached across and took his free hand. 

“Thanks for last night,” he barely whispered.  

Dean looked up from his breakfast and squeezed Cas’ hand, “Of course, Cas.”  He beamed at the smaller man, hoping to show him that things were okay, that things were good.  

The smile Dean got in return was shy and sweet and Cas went back to his coffee and his book.  

Dean finished his cereal and went over to Cas, “Can I show you something?”  

He hadn’t really thought this through too much, but Cas had revealed something personal to him last night that couldn’t be ignored, so Dean felt like he needed to give a piece of himself to the dark haired boy, to show him that he trusted him.  

“Uh, sure.” Cas’ brows furrowed but he let Dean lead him into the living room until they were standing in front of the fireplace, looking at Dean’s photographs from Afghanistan.  

He cleared his throat and grabbed the photo of him and Andy.  

“This is Andy.  He was my best friend.  We went through both tours together.”  

“You look happy,” Cas observed and Dean nodded.  

He took Cas’ hand and placed  it over the large scar on his leg over his sweatpants.  

“Andy died in our second tour.  His Humvee hit a bomb and the explosion caused this scar.  I got a shit ton of shrapnel to the side through the door of my Humvee, but I lived.  Andy died.” 

Cas’ fingers pressed firmly his leg and he reached up with his other hand to hold Dean’s cheek.  

“I’m sorry, Dean.”   

Leaning into Cas’ palm Dean took a deep breath, “Thanks Cas.”  He looked at the photo again, “I was in love with him, Cas. I never told him how I felt and then I watched him die.  I don’t ever want to miss out on something because I was scared again. That’s why I said I love you before, that’s why your past doesn’t scare me away.  We can get through this, whatever it is. I’m not letting you go.” 

Tears brimmed at Cas’ eyes, and Dean really hoped they were happy tears because he had in no way intended on making Cas cry.  Cas’ smile pushed a sigh of relief out of him. 

He pulled Cas over to the couch and grabbed both of his hands as they sat down.  

“What is it?” Cas asked.  

Dean looked down at their hands, he couldn’t look at Cas when he said this.  

“Cas, I told you last night, that no matter what you’ve been through, I would love you.  Your past doesn’t define who you are to me.” 

“I know Dean, I am so grateful that you feel that way—” 

Dean held up a hand to signal that he wasn’t finished, “The reason I say this is because if I can live with myself, after what  _ I’ve _ done?  Then there is nothing that could make you, someone who is so full of love, seem anything but perfect to me.”  

“What is it?” Cas asked, bringing Dean’s hands to his mouth for a soft kiss, “What is it that you’ve done that has caused you to hate yourself so much?”  

Dean looked to the photo of him and Andy on the mantle instead of looking at Cas. 

“After Andy and the boys were hit and we dealt with the casualties my superior officer recruited me and three other men that shared my…special skills, to find the group that planted the bombs.  We found them Cas, and we killed them all.  _ I  _ killed them all, without one ounce of hesitation.”  

“Oh Dean,” Cas held Dean’s face in his hands and Dean let the tears fall freely.  

“There were casualties Cas.  Unnecessary ones. A boy, no older than Sammy at the time, he got in the way and I—” 

He couldn’t finish his sentence, couldn’t get the words out.  Cas pulled Dean’s head onto his little shoulder and let him sob until the tears were almost gone. 

Then he fell asleep with his head in Cas’ lap despite the early hour.  

-x-

When Dean woke up Cas was watching TV.  They hadn’t moved from their spot on the couch.  The blue eyed boy smiled down at him. 

“You okay?”  

Blinking, he shrugged, “As okay as I can be right now, I guess.”  

“Dean,” Cas said, pulling him into a sitting position, “We’re both pretty broken.” 

Dean chuckled bitterly, “You got that right,” 

“But,” Cas continued, “What you told me?  The things you’ve done? They’re not gonna scare me away.”  

Dean didn’t know if he wanted to smile or start crying again.  He wouldn’t be surprised if he started doing both. Before either of those things occurred he decided to pull Cas into a heated kiss.  They kissed for a while, just kissed, and he kept smiling and Cas kept smiling and their teeth kept colliding and he was fine with it. 

“Wanna go to the roadhouse for lunch?” Dean asked finally, “I think Gabe and Sammy are gonna be there.”  

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan.” Cas stood and stretched and Dean watched admiringly as his pale torso was revealed for just a moment, “I’m gonna go home and change, meet you on the porch in 15?” 

Dean nodded, “Deal.” Kissing Cas’ forehead he walked him out before going to get dressed himself.  

-x-

When they arrived at the Roadhouse their fingers were laced, Gabriel and Jo whistled at them in the same way at the same time and Ellen and Sam offered them smiles full of sunshine.  

Things were good.  

“Hey Jo,” Gabe shouted as Dean and Cas sat down, “Did you know Deano here has a silver star?!” 

“Uh yeah, Gabe.”  

“Did you know Cassie?” 

Cas nodded and sipped his beer.  Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Was I the  _ last _ person to be given this information?!” Gabe slammed his hand on the bar, “I can’t believe this.  I was your friend before you started banging my baby bro and—” 

“Shut up, Gabe.” Dean grumbled around his beer bottle, he was smiling.  

Lunch at the Roadhouse was always a good time.  Ellen let family in before the bar opened at 5, fed them hardily with burgers and waffle fries, and Jo controlled the jukebox much to Dean’s dismay.  

When Ellen flipped the closed sign to open Dean and Gabe were well into their third game of pool while Cas and Sam watched and chatted from the bar.  

“Dean, you realize if Gabe win’s this game of pool he’s beat you  _ twice _ and therefore you relinquish your pool crown?” Sam asked.  

Dean grunted loudly in Sam’s direction and Cas couldn’t help erupting into a fit of giggles.  

“Me Dean, good at pool, drink beer,” Cas imitated.  

Gabriel cackled and Dean stood from his shot to give Cas an exaggerated offended look.  

“Cas, how  _ dare  _ you.”  

“I’m sorry babe, truly I am, but—,” 

Cas’ voice caught in his throat and his eyes got wide with fear.  

“Cas?” Dean asked.  

He set his pool cue down and walked over to him, “Cas, you okay?”  

Gabe squinted at Cas and then scrambled over the pool table to get to the bar after looking at the Roadhouse entrance.  

Standing there, in dirt black jeans and a wife beater was none other then Alistair Smith, Cas’ ex-boyfriend, the cause of all his problems.  

“Oh shit,” Gabe seethed.  

“What’s going on?” Sam asked.  

“Shit shit shit shit shiiiiiit,” Gabe ran his fingers through his hair.  

Dean saw the panic attack before it hit and wrapped Cas in his large arms.  Cas clung to him like a scared child. 

“Gabe, what the  _ fuck _ is going on?” Dean growled.  

“Alistair,” Gabe breathed, “Cas’ ex.  He just walked in the bar.” 

Dean’s head snapped to the front of the bar so quick he almost gave himself whiplash.  His protective instincts were already working so hard he could barely breath. 

“Sam,” Dean grit out, “Sammy, you get Cas and I out of here now, right now, because if you don’t I’m literally going to snap that man's neck with my bare hands.”  

“Okay,” Sam stood, wiping the sweat on his hands onto his jeans, “Okay, Gabe handle him, work with Ellen, Dean we’ll go out the back through the kitchen—”  

But it was too late.  Cas and Alistair had made eye contact.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it!!!!! God fucking bless ForelornFaeiry for putting up with my bitch ass. Okay cool.


	16. Gabe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s my little snippet in Gabriel’s point of view while you wait for the next chapter written by ForelornFaeiry, enjoy! Don’t forget these short Gabe and Sam drabbles do not necessarily fit right into the time line of the story. They are random drabbles that fill in gaps of time before the next chapter.

**** Despite the warm bubble of comfort that surrounded Gabe in the form of Sam Winchester’s toasty octopus arms, he woke up at nearly five in the morning.  As he squinted at the time on his phone he glanced at the date as well; March 1 st 

Three years ago, today his little brother had tried to take his own life.  Cas was better now,  _ so  _ much better, and Gabe was living with his wonderful, hunky, tall glass of hubba hubba, boyfriend but he would never forget what he felt the day he found his brother on the floor of their shared bathroom at three in the morning.  

-x-

**_Three years ago, 2:45 am, March 1_ ** **_st_ ** **_:_ **

_ Gabe was buzzed.  It was too late or early?  He wasn’t sure, but he’d just took an Uber from the Roadhouse after meeting the most beautiful man he’d ever seen in his life.  With the height and the long flowy hair and the bashful smile. Gabe was gonna get his number if it was the last thing he did, that’s for sure.   _

_ Clumsily he unlocked the door, then dropped his keys loudly in the hallway.  Cursing under his breath he tried to be quiet, Cassie was probably asleep. Shit Cas, not Cassie anymore.   _

_ He pried his shoes off his feet before creeping down the hallway to peer into Cas’ room, expecting to find his little brother curled into the top right corner of his queen bed under six blankets with his glasses falling off his nose and a book on the night stand.   _

_ That however was not what he found at all.  Cas’ bed was empty, the lamp was on, and the bed was made.  Strange.  _

_ Frowning, he looked around the corner to spot the sliver of light on the hallway floor coming from the bathroom.   _

_ “Cas?”  _

_ Silence was the only reply.   _

_ Gabriel walked into the bathroom and there on the floor was his little brother, wearing only a pair of Gabe’s old boxer shorts and his binder, slumped against the side of the bathtub.  His right hand was loosely wrapped around a bottle of some weird green brandy that Gabriel forgot they had and an empty bottle of pills that he’d never seen before was sitting in the sink.   _

_ “Cassie?”  _

_ The fear that was surging up in his throat pushed out the name he’d been calling his little brother for most of there lives, and it was barely a whisper.  Cas’ head lolled to the side and if he wasn’t looking closely enough, he might’ve missed Cas’ stomach moving up and down rapidly for each tiny breath that was being taken.   _

_ Before he could let the shock set in, he got to work.   _

_ Crashing to his knees in front of Cas he held his little brother’s head in both of his hands.   _

_ “Cas?”  no response, “Cas! Wake up! Come on, you gotta wake up!”   _

_ Gabe thrust his hands underneath his brother’s shoulders and hiked his entire body upwards so that Cas was in more of a sitting position and then he grabbed the pill bottle from the sink.  He couldn’t read the name it was too complicated, and he was much too panicked, but he thought he remembered Cas switching anxiety meds.  _

_ He slammed the toilet lid open and then forced Cas’ torso to lean against it before shoving his fingers down Cas’ throat in hopes to get him to throw up whatever was in his stomach.   _

_ It took a minute but next thing he knew Cas was throwing up little white pills and bright green boos into the toilet bowl.   _

_ “Gabriel?” Cas blinked blearily at him.   _

_ “Shut up,” Gabe grumbled before helping him vomit again.   _

_ After a few minutes Gabriel handed him a glass of water and then dialed 911.   _

“911, what is your emergency?” 

_ “Yeah, hi,” Gabe could barely speak, “I need an ambulance right away.  My little brother downed some pills, I dunno what they are and I got him to throw up but he’s barely conscious.”   _

_ -x- _

_ The hospital was too bright when they got there.  He’d always hated the fluorescent lights that were used, and the smell made him sick to his stomach.  No matter how sterile the place smelled, after being on the doctor end of some rather tough surgeries, it never felt clean.   _

_ He rode in the ambulance on the way there and then was sent to fill out paperwork while they rushed Cas through the emergency room doors.  When he finished filling everything out, he brought the forms to the front desk and asked the nurse where his brother was.  _

_ “I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait until they’re done treating him.”   _

_ Fuck that.  _

_ “I’m afraid that’s not good enough.”   _

_ The nurse was taken aback, “Sir, I realize that you want to be there for your brother, but the doctors need space—”  _

_ He sighed, he couldn’t believe he was going to do this, but he needed to be with Cas.   _

_ “You listen to me,” Gabriel grumbled, “My name is Gabriel Novak, renowned surgeon and son to Charles Novak head doctor and CEO to Seattle Mercy Hospital, sister hospital to the one we’re currently standing in.”  _

_ He practically threw his ID and Doctor’s ID in her face.  _

_ “Now, you bring me to my brother or there will be hell to pay that you and your superiors genuinely could not fathom.”   _

_ -x- _

_ Once the hospital got word that the Novaks were there, Gabriel had no trouble finding his way around.  Cas was moved to a private room, Gabriel was brought a latte, and he’d already ignored three calls from their father because he wasn’t about to deal with  _ that _ shit.   _

_ When he peaked his head into Cas’ room his brother’s eyes were closed but he could tell that he wasn’t asleep.   _

_ “Cas,”  _

_ Cas’ eyes popped open to see Gabriel.  He turned his head away.  _

_ “Cas dammit, look at me.”   _

_ When his brother looked back at him there were tears in his eyes.   _

_ “I’m sorry Gabriel.”   _

_ Gabe frowned, and sat down next to the hospital bed before taking Cas’ hand, “What?  Cas, you don’t need to be sorry for anything. I’m sorry, I could have been there more, to help.  I should’ve noticed that something was wrong—”  _

_ Cas interrupted him, “Gabriel, stop.  You wouldn’t have noticed because I’ve been hiding it.”   _

_ Gabriel was crying now, not in a blubbery way, in a strong and silent way and Cas looked down so he didn’t have to see his brother’s tears.   _

_ “Why were you hiding it?  Why didn’t you come to me?”   _

_ Cas shrugged, “I didn’t want to bother you.”   _

_ “You listen to me,” Gabe almost growled through his tears and gripped Cas’ hand as tight as he could, “I am  _ never _ bothered by you.  Never. No matter what time it is, where I am, what I’m doing, if you need me?  I’m here. Okay Cas?”  _

_ “Okay Gabriel.”   _

-x-

**Present Day:**

“Gabe?  Are you alright?” 

Sam’s sleepy voice brought Gabe back to the present, in their warm bed, where Cas was happily asleep at home, probably with Dean.  

He didn’t even realize he was crying.  Quickly he wiped his cheeks and turned to bury his face in the crook of Sam’s neck.  

“Yeah Samsquatch, I’m alright.”  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is!! Hope you like it! And I hope this gets you by until our next chapter! One Love, Liz.


	17. Chapter 13

Castiel felt his chest grow tight as he locked eyes with Alistair, and he couldn’t breathe; whether it was because of his binder, Dean’s arms, or the fact that Castiel’s worst nightmare just walked in the door of his safe spot, Castiel wasn’t sure. 

“Cas, Let’s-”

Gabriel began, his hand reaching to touch Castiel’s arm, but Castiel couldn’t break his eyes away from Alistair, couldn’t acknowledge Gabriel, or even Dean, the beautiful man holding him. 

“Dean, let me go.”

Castiel whispered, his voice hoarse as he tried to free himself from Dean’s arms; Dean only tightened his grip around Castiel though, his eyes staring daggers at Alistair. 

“Cassie, darling,” Alistair purred, a smile creeping onto his face as he took a step towards Castiel. Castiel squirmed in Dean’s arms, desperate to be released, before finally breaking free of Dean’s arms and pushing Dean away slightly. 

“Dean, I said let go of me!”

He yelled, straightening his shirt. He ignored Dean’s wide eyes and ignored Gabriel’s concerned flicker of his eyes, choosing instead to stare at Alistair, the stupid bastard. 

“Cassie, it’s been too long.” Alistair purred again, drawing his hand out from his coat pocket. Castiel’s breath hitched in his throat as he took a step toward Alistair, ignoring the squawks of protest behind him. 

“Alistair, what are you doing here? How did you find me?” 

Castiel squeaks, clearing his throat and crossing his arms. He was determined not to show fear in front of Alistair, but that didn’t stop his hands from trembling slightly. Alistair glanced to the possy behind Castiel and smirked before looking back down to Castiel, a hand reaching out to stroke at Castiel’s cheek tenderly. 

“Oh Castiel, did you really think you could run from me?”

Before Castiel coud process Alistair’s words, Alistair’s hands lashed out and wrapped themselves around Castiel’s neck tightly, effectively cutting off Castiel’s air. Castiel started chocking, his hands scratching at Alistair’s to get him to let go; all Castiel could see was Alistair’s furious grin as his hands got tighter, could feel his thumbs pressing into his esophagus, light was becoming dimmer…

_ WHACK! _

Alistair’s hands finally let go and Castiel began coughing, trying desperately to dill his lungs with air as Gabriel ran over to him and frantically began asking if Castiel was okay; Castiel looked up and saw Dean standing over Alistair, his chest heaving with angered, ragged breath and his right hand clenched into a fist. Castiel looked over to Alistair, who was laying on the ground but propped up on his elbow, checking to see if his face was bleeding from where Dean punched him. 

Dean turned away from Alistair and ran over to Castiel, his eyes furrowed in anger and concern, fear shining in his brilliant green eyes as he checked to make sure Castiel was alright. 

“Dean get off of me!”

Castiel wheezed, his free hand pushing Dean away. Confusion flooded Dean’s features, and he opened his mouth to respond but Castiel cut him off as he stood. 

“Alistair, what the fuck do you think you’re doing here? It’s been two years. Leave me the fuck alone!” 

Alistair laughed and sat up, resting his arms on his knees. “Ooh Cassie, you’re always so hot when you get angry.” Castiel coughed, rolling his eyes in irritation. Alistair looked over to Dean as he stood to his feet, brushing the dirt off his shirt. 

“What, is this your boyfriend Cassie?”

“Well actually-”

Dean started but once again, Castiel interrupted, putting his hand up to stop Dean from talking. “Dean is not my boyfriend Alistair, not that it’s any of your business.” He said harshly, his eyes narrowing in disdain. Castiel could see Dean visibly recoil at his words, but Castiel honestly couldn’t be bothered to make sure that Dean was okay; he could feel the rise of a panic attack coming up, and he needed to get Alistair out of here.

“Alistair, obviously you don’t remember what happened the last time you showed up unannounced, should I remind you?” 

Gabriel spat, taking a step forward and baring his teeth, making Alistair take a small step backward. 

“Now Gabe, can’t we talk like civilized adults?”

“You lost the right to that conversation when you nearly killed my baby brother. Twice.” 

Alistair laughed, his head thrown back as though what Gabriel said was absolutely bat shit crazy. 

“Oh Gabriel, that was just a misunderstanding!”

“A misunderstanding!?”

Dean questioned, taking a step forward and his hand curling into a fist again, but Castiel held up a hand to stop him once again. 

“Dean, stay out of this.”

“But Cas-!”

“I said stay out! This doesn’t concern you!”

Castiel turned back to look at Dean, feeling hot with anger, and felt himself pause at the expression on Dean’s face; it was almost as if Castiel had punched him, 

And maybe in a way, Castiel had.

Castiel and Dean held eyes for a moment before Alistair’s voice made Castiel look away.

“Boyfriend trouble Cassie?”

Castiel turned back to Alistair and swallowed harshly, his hand absentmindedly rubbing the bottom of his neck gently. “He’s not my boyfriend Al.”

“Of course he’s not; no one can love you the way that I love you Cassie.”

As Alistair spoke he took a step toward Castiel and held out a hand as though he was going to touch Castiel’s face again, but Gabriel stepped between them, glaring and practically growling. Alistair slowly drew his hand back, smiling gently at Castiel. 

“Cas,”

Dean said softly, and Castiel turned, their eyes meeting. Castiel couldn’t read the emotion he found in Dean’s eyes, but it made Castiel’s heart squeeze. 

“I’m sorry Dean. I… I can’t deal with this right now.”

Castiel turned on his heel and ran out the door, ignoring Gabriel’s calls of his name and hoping to outrun Alistair’s haunting laugh. 

 

**X x x**

 

Castiel paced back and forth, one hand on his hip and the other stroking his chin in thought; tears were dried on his face and his breath was ragged as he walked, a panic attack already done and another on the way. His thoughts were running a mile a minute, swirling around so much in his brain that Castiel wasn’t aware that Gabriel had come home until his older brother was standing right in front of him with his arms crossed over his chest and his brow furrowing in anger.

“What?”

Castiel questioned, turning from Gabriel to continue his pacing. Gabriel let out an irritated sigh and ran a hand through his hair, trying to keep himself calm.

“What the hell was that Castiel?"

Castiel stopped and turned to face his brother, feeling his anger rise within him again. 

“ _ That _ was my ex! I had no idea he’d show up! I had no idea he would be able to  _ find _ me!”

“I’m not talking about him!”

“Then what the hell are you talking about?”

“What the hell was that with  _ Dean _ Cas!?”

Castiel closed his mouth, his hand curling into a fist by his side. Gabriel sighed again and sat down on the couch, his hands clasping underneath his chin and resting his head on top of his laced fingers. 

“I just don’t understand. I thought you liked Dean.”

“I  _ do _ like Dean! I just…” 

Castiel took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, feeling tears rise once again. 

“I can’t be with Dean while Alistair still rules my life. You saw what he did today. If he knew that I… with Dean… He’d kill him Gabe. Alistair would kill him, and I can’t have that.”

Castiel then burst into tears and fell to the floor, his knees unable to hold his weight. Gabriel was instantly off the couch, his arms wrapping tightly around Castiel and holding him close. Castiel sobbed into Gabriel’s shoulder, his heart mourning what he had to do.

“I want to be free Gabe, I want to be free.”

Castiel sobbed, his voice breaking as he clung to the one thing in his life that has never changed. GAbriel shushed him quietly, his fingers running through Castiel’s hair gently. 

“It’s gonna be okay Cas. It’s gonna be okay.”

 

**X x x**

 

_ Sunlight shines through the open panels of the window in the kitchen, the gentle song of birds singing off in the distance. Sirens could be heard faintly, and across the street, a dog was barking. Castiel stood at the sink in front of the window, water from the faucet pouring quietly and warmly over his hands as he washed the dishes, soap suds making his fingers become all pruny looking. Castiel smiled softly as he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and the familiar scent of sandalwood and motor oil filling his senses, fingers gently pushing up his shirt to stroke at his stomach. _

_ “Dean, I’m washing the dishes.” _

_ Castiel giggled as Dean kissed his neck, the gentle scratch of his beard against Castiel’s soft skin tickling his neck. Dean hummed quietly, his lips kissing that one spot he knew drove Castiel crazy.  _

_ “But we’re all alone Cas; Andy is over at Sam’s house and Hannah is over at her friend Carol’s house, so who knows we can get a chance to be alone again?” _

_ Castiel had to admit that Dean’s argument was tempting; the kids were always around and maybe they didn’t get as much alone time as they used to. Castiel turned the sink off and turned around in Dean’s arms, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck.  _

_ “You make a good point Dean.” _

_ “Oh but Cas; we can’t now.” _

_ Confusion filled Castiel’s face. “What do you mean?” _

_ “You chose Alistair over me. Don’t you remember?” _

_ Dean let go of Castiel and walked backwards, his eyes filled with pain and suffering. Dean suddenly let out an anguished scream as his body cracked over and blood spilled from his chest. _

_ “No!” _

_ Castiel screamed, but it was too late. _

_ Dean was dead. _

Castiel awoke with a start, sitting up suddenly in bed and gasping for air. Tears pricked at his eyes and he covered his mouth to stop the sob that threatened to break free. His dream, one that started out so beautifully, ended in blood and despair and it was all his fault. Castiel could, naturally, tell that it was a dream and not reality, but it didn’t matter.

Not even in dreams could Castiel keep Dean safe. 

Castiel turned over in his sleeping bag, his chest feeling hollow. He was exhausted by the day’s events, but sleep would not come back to him. Perhaps it was punishment.

Castiel could still feel Dean’s fingers ghosting across his skin, could still feel the gentle bite of Dean’s teeth, and swore he felt Dean’s lips on his neck; it was just last night that him and Dean finally became one, but what did that mean for them? And what did it mean now that Castiel had pushed Dean away?

It wasn’t a lie though; Dean wasn’t his boyfriend. At least, not that he knew. I mean, yeah sure, they kissed and had sex and had confessed their love for each other, but the word  _ boyfriend _ hadn’t crossed either one of their lips. It wasn’t implied.

Wasn’t it?

Castiel turned over in his sleeping bag again and closed his eyes tightly, desperate to keep his tears from falling once again.

Somehow, he felt as though he had fucked up.

Big time. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> So here is the long awaited chapter story that will be a collaboration with the beautiful Perdition Raiser! I'm so excited for this, and I hope you guys are too! Odd chapters will be my chapters, and even will be hers.
> 
> Be sure to review and let me know your thoughts! Don't forget to follow this story as well so you can notifications on when we update!


End file.
